TAKING TIME

Ok time for a rant real quick
Bare with me folks
So I am single now, only one year since I've been of age to date that Ive been single. So I have to be very cautious and really I want to be a bit selfish. I was with my last man for 11 years and gave him my all. I want to offer the next man Im with my all also so I need to take this time to heal and experience things. So when I get invovled with a man I wil let him know the things that I can offer and what Im not ready to offer. But it seems to fall on deaf ears sometimes or I am not communicating well enough or I show something different I do not know.
It seems that when I get close to someone enough to someone for me to start feeling them all of a sudden they seem to want way too much or do not want to pace with me. Or get scared or something. I want to take my time with my next relationship to get to know the person and not feel like Im jumping into something without taking time for me and how and what I need. Its like only a month or two and they want "more" and don't like the idea of me dating other men, talking to other men...etc. And NO its not he type of men I am dating because I do not have a "type" I just want a single man (no gf,baby mama they live with, divorcing, or still married men) and for him to have a job. I do not even care what kind of job. He doesn't really have to have a car even. I have dated and became close with me that need to work on some things and I get that. Point being I date all different men at different times in their life so I do not blame that. I just feel at a loss right now because I want a good man and a relationship but I just want them to wait, I do not know why things have to be rushed and pushed so far. I want to take things slower and if it works out then good.... ohhh well I told you I was gonna rant... UGHHHHHHHHHHHHH

TwitterAfterDark

So I have been reading a lot on twitter about how the females that participate in #TwitterAfterDark are just looking for attention and aren't getting any. I was just wondering if it was really true so I did some introspection in order to know if that is my intentions. Becuase I love #TwitterAfterDark and do it sometimes in the middle of the day.. lol. Anyway I came up with no Im not. I mean in all honesty I get plenty of attention, even when I do not want it. And as far is sex is concerned if Im not engaging in it for any reason it is becuase I do not want to at the time not because I can't. I am not saying this out of conceit, its really what I truly reflected on. The thing is I like sex. I like talking about it, writing about it, doing it, reading about it, watching it... Its a very primal expression of ones self. No I do not have a "man" right now so I engage in these things. When I get an official man I will not and not even because Im getting it as it will be because I will not disrespect my man in that manner. I got into a twitter convo about what true expression is and what forum is appropriate for what. I use twitter for my more #TwitterAfterDark expressions mostly more becuase it is an appropriate forum and I get it out and move on. So really what Im saying is just because people express all of them (and sex is a huge part of them) doesn't mean they are attention seeking. I know there are times when they are. Ive been around the people that who brag about sexual things, try to get a lot of attention through sexual exploits or the conversation about them. But things are not always that complex. Sometimes you just like to talk about the things you enjoy, think about the things you have done and fantasize about the things you want to or will soon do. I have had my tweets judged and been told that it makes me look bad to engage in such conversations and honestly it just may. But also I really do not care, they are my thoughts, I am not a one dimensional person and can engage in any conversation be it intellectual or sexual. I am learning that not everyone is as... well lets say "open" with their sexual desires as I am but just because they are not doesn't mean I have to sensor myself. I like it and I will continue #ImJustSaying...

Misty

So I call she to find out when to visit the bestie and the baby. I get an obscure answer that she and the baby isn't in the room or available. So this is the woman that was there with me through all of my births, went to Dr. appointments, helped me through any and all issues that Ive had in my life in the past 18 years. When my childrens father wasn't there she was and he wasn't there A LOT. So needless to say I jumped out of bed, ran out of the house and up to the hospital. I didnt know what was wrong or if anything was wrong at all but this is my sis. I love her and if anything ever happened to her or any of the kids I would die! So Im speeding, running lights, etc......  I run through the hospital and up the steps and am panicing. I  am not the type of person that gets panicked easily but I just didnt' know what was going on with the people that mean so much to me in my life. I find out all is well and go to see her and my heart returns to a regular rate and I look at her. I realize I need her in my life. Not to just be there for me, I need to be there for her. She is a half of me I can't go without. I met her when I was 11 yrs old in 6th grade at a time in my life when I was not feeling like anyone understood me. We shared a connection and she was so non judgemental. I am part of her family and she mine. People constantly talk about how our friendship is so amazing and admirable. I agree.... today I pictured my life without her and my heart stopped. I lost motivation and I was so sad to think anything would happen to this woman. I am sitting in her hospital room thanking God that I am so blessed. I have a friend, I can call her a friend and know that she will always be a friend to me even  when I do not deserve a friend at all. Thank You Misty G for being you and allowing me to be me! I love you, you are an example to me of how I should and can be as a woman! I am blessed....

Masks

Ive been watching these masks
off then on
on then off
What is it that we see from behind screens?
Destortion is real
So much we fail to know
So I watch these masks
from behind my screen
I can't see much and there isn't many that see me
I mean they say they do but come on man....
Shh whats up with these masks?
Aight ol girl said she is confident
"Oh hunny I got this!"
but you step on others, manipulate and lie
Hate on others and not really know why
An ol boy say he handling bizzness
"Come on nigga you know I got bitches!
and money and respect man Fuck these snitches"
but you dont' know your kids or pay your house bills
can't stand up straight cause the lies got you bent
Damn man whats up with these masks?
I mean we all get hurt so we pull our head back and adjust
Adjust the newest mask
the "I Don't Give A Fuck Mask"
"Ahh these niggas aint shit watch how I treat em" mask
"I wont let em get close and use more than most,
oh theyll remember me" mask
When the heart gets touched by the one that hurts so much
the mask is stained from inside out, tainted and smeered
you trying to claw your way out
Shhh man fuck these masks
I sat today molding a mask for myself
A mask that could lead me and guide me through my past
I sat today rolling a blunt and nestled inside my cloud
I sat today sipping my drink and lay out under the warmth
I stood today popped my pill and danced the night away
I lay today fucking and fucking until my mind went numb
I lay today lying and screaming inside fantisizing about that Big shit
You know that plan I got.....
"Imma get to it, tomorrow, next year oh yeah next year"
I played myself through my mask
I knew I played myself but it was behind my mask
thats why it didnt' count
Ive been watching these masks metamorphosize
Ive been seeing my own mask from behind my eyes
So today I mold my mask, shape it just like I like
Take a sip,swallow a pill,smoke a blunt and fuck my way....
I stand over myself in reflection, look up
And break my mask........
Now
Its just me
Me with no mask......

What Really Matters

I am almost in awe over how much I do not know
How much I thought I did and how much more you have shown
I could never have imagined someone lending to my life
Whose age is so young but intellect so bright
When I reflect upon the man that in you Im coming to see
I realize there is no way to know all of the possibilities
Its hard for me to overcome the thoughts that this could not be right
How is ther a man inside when your age just doesn't seem ripe?
There are not many people in the world that just connect
And there aren't many times that I can say "its him I can't forget"
So I have decided to enjoy each moment I have in time
And if you are there then; well that will be just fine.

ill is he

What does it take to call a man Ill?
Can he be bent or does he have an unbroken will?
So this is the question I've asked myself when writing down these words
Cause we all want us an "ill" man that maybe could even navigate our curves.
But I'll ask it one more time, how is this "ill" man measured?
How do we walk past his being and know he has more than we've known ever?
And how "ill" has to be the lady that can capture his attention
How amazing must she be that to her he may just listen?
When can you call a man "ill" what ways can he yet show it?
Does he care for the ones he loves and strive to make his world fit?
Does he stand with back sometimes bent and knees that may just buckle?
Does he watch his kids grow and allow himself to fight with more than just his knuckles?
Is there a time that he takes to intellectually grow and forth move?
Or even take the time to think before he responds as would a brood?
To me a man is "ill" when he has resigned himself to be all man
when he cares for the ones he loves and carries his family as the footsteps in the sand
If he can hold the burdens set upon his shoulders from the world.
When he can make you feel secure within the arms that God created
At the times that when all seems lost he steps out as a warrior fighting
He relinguishes his all just when you need to have it
And finds his will not far from the that of logic even when its hiding
If you hold that title-"ill" know there is responsiblity to be had
Stand strong and full with pride for an"ill" man is amazingly clad!

Our moments in time

This mans fingers are magic and his thrust amazing and full
His mouth fell upon mine and from within I felt a pull
A pull that was deep and too fundamental to deny
I knew it was not love but that feeling still makes me sigh
A delight of lust not lost and a fire impossible to quench
This can last all night and each night and day and forever hence
Rapture of the body physical from somewhere at its core
A grinding of desires creating a melody heard no more
If together we create a whirlwind full of all this passion
Can we hold it from the world dull the light as if its ashen?
Or would all see as my skin reacts to your presence as you pass me?
Or realize that between us is found way too much to actually be seen?
I can't say that I care to think of how others may react
If they saw us sprawled out within one another exposing just how we attract
How we move within a rhythm that has yet to be set
And know the secret place where we go without regret
With those finger tips of magic and the mouth so soft and full
And the thrust that fulfills my need and the hips that push and pull
I find full exhaust and amazing trepidation
You make me want you more and more at this point you're my expectation
So let me wrap myself around you and delight within with this grind
Let me fantasize about these sensations that we have created in our moments in time.