Missing him

Ok I miss him so much lately. We did not have a good relationship and out of the 10 years there isn't much for me to celebrate but he has something I just haven't found else where. Since I was 17 he was like a star in my world. Really... I always just wanted his touch, not even just sexually but he comforted me sooo much. But he hurt me too with that touch- catch 22 huh? Anyway all of my children are with this man and he is not even my husband but God knows I treated him that way. I did everything I felt  a wife should for him. I know there were mistakes that I made but I kept all the fundamental values in tack. I never cheated and even worse never really wanted to.  Anyway, I was describing the perfect man to me to a friend and she said "you know who you just described don't you".... ughh yes. So is it becuase I spent so long with him? I virtually grew up with this man from the age of 17 so maybe that is it... he is just the model of man I have had. He treated me so bad at times I could never put into words the hurt I still feel from it... yet I still miss him. I know all of the things I want from my next man and it is hard for me to believe that he is out there. I mean plus I have 3 children coming in. How difficult is that? I know it is possible I will just wait. I pray that he gets himself together and is able to all that his heart desires and really I want clarity for myself.
Life can be soooo difficult

#DontJudgeMe

So I honestly want to know how men think they can be so picky. I mean when I look at how most men look, dress, don't have much, conduct themselves etc... I wonder if they are serious about how they are critiquing women all of the time. This is coming from convos I have been having with many different people and how I have been observing peoples actions in different environments. For example one night at the club I was standing by the stage with about 7 different dudes. There was a dress contest going on at the time where the women were walking around, dancing and such in their little black dresses. Well one of the guys I was standing with was no prize. As a matter of fact I would be surprised if he ever was able to pull ANYONE in the club. So he is going through the girls.. she is too skinny, she is too fat, so and so forth. Anyway I do understand that women tend to put themselves on display more than men but there is a point that you have to be honest with yourself and undersand that maybe you shouldn't judge people so much yourself. Maybe just maybe you should take a step back and try to understand that YOU may not be the best thing either and may just need to pump your brakes... #ImJustSaying

Youth

Ok so again I am recently single after 10 years in a relationship with a man that I loved very unconditionally. Well now that I am on the dating scene I am approached by many men. As a matter of fact a young man that was trying to "talk" to me after a recent event was saying that everytime he sees me out I have a flock of men around me like vultures. And as he was trying to talk to me one swooped in in front of him and he didn't know what to do. The dude that swooped was 22 years old..smh. I am a year from 30, what can I do with a 22 year old I am thinkng. But as I analyze this I realize that most of the men that come hard are young. Men do follow me out of clubs and bars almost everytime I go, no matter the city I am in but the older men tend to give up, they give the impression that it isn't worth the effort but the young men are trying hard. I have found myself dealing with younger and younger men. 24 is the limit that I have given myself right now but I want to tell a story about a young man in Charlotte at Wet Willies one time. There were about 4 or 5 dudes trying to talk to me while my folks and I were at our table. Several of them would leave but come back and talk. Well I go to the bathroom and when exiting a man stops me and we are speaking. He wass very atractive, short stocky, dark...good looking. I am talkng to him, he was 28, he worked for some firm he said well no sooner than we are exchanging this information  one of the young men from earlier walks in front of him, I say I was speaking to him and he looked at him and said "now your speaking to me". Dude walked away! I could have liked him. So of course I was interested in this man that was so interested in me that he didn't let anyone else swoop in. He had good convo, witty and sexy..... I liked it.... now for the ?  always asked "How old are you" -20. HUH? The only man in here that really stepped to me is 20? NO way! Of course I couldn't give him my number but I wanted to. I was so dumbfounded and the question I feel I need to ask is- Where are you grown men? I feel that I am a beautiful, self reliant, capable and very good woman. I am a catch but the only men that are really coming hard enough to be noticed are "lil boys". Don't do me like that! I can't imagine getting serious with a lil guy that I have to teach things to.. I mean I ave 3 kids.. what can he teach them? I need some answers please help. And ladies yes I know about the sex.... next blog ;o)

Some Kind of Way

I am not usually a fan of the new sayings but I must throw this one out there.... I have certainly been feeling "some kind of way lately". Now I can't describe the way that I am feeling exactly which is what is killing me. The thing is I am not usually at a lose for words. I can almost always put a word to anything even if I choose not to share that word. So I guess I am looking at myself right now and not really feeling what is up. I've been going out a lot, traveling and getting to know a lot of different people and I am still feeling at a lose for something. but the other day I reading my bible and trying to reflect on some things and came to realize that there is a real plan set for us. And I know i never really knew the plan and when I learned about it certainly didn't want to follow it. But it is fairly obvious that there is a reason that things are designed the way they are. And I want to teach my children better. Show them that there are different options to going through crazy things and having to "learn from our mistakes". I really would like to lay a stronger foundation for my kids and I am trying to really focus on that right now. In the midst of this all I am trying to find myself some stability and enjoy dating, living and seeing different things. Being confined in a relationship in which I didn't feel appreciated or even really loved left me wanting for a lot of things. And now I am finding so many things that I want to do and it is great. But missing so much. I guess this rant is just about finding myself and my path within myself and my path. Trying to find my way back to knowing my way so that I can take the responsibility of these kids on my shoulders fully the way that I need to. Anyway I am sure I will add to this one too, just needed a therapy rant... Now on to something else...

The Lil Horn Dog That Could

I think I can I think can... that's the words that go through my head just about daily. I'm not having sex right now. Yeah NONE! I really feel like there are so many things I'm praying and preparing 4 so I cant just be having sex wit anyone but the man that's set 2 be my husband.I mean I'm not drinking anymore either n working on other areas of my life too but this IS HARD! I really like sex... the experience of it. And I am very capable of having sex with a man and not even wanting him to call me unless we are ready to schedule an "appointment".  As a matter of fact my home girls often tell me I'm "worse than men" because of how I may deal wit my "duck off dude". I call em that cause we just go duck off somewhere..no dates,convo about the day, fake emotional attachments... really anything like that. Just sex... good sex.. the type that u can let go with, hair pulling, ass slapping, body licking... well ya know. Anyway its obviously not been an easy feat so I decided to blog about it. I have made up my mind therefor I am going to see this through. i guess that is where my #twitterafterdarks come in... they comfort me... allow me to release things verbally and go to sleep. Twitter has saved me a few nights from making a reckless phone call too! I appreciate that. I like random sex, even with someone I care nothing about like that but I prefer to be able to do it right. With someone I care about and want to experience more with. So here we go friends, it is time to suck it up (no pun intended) and continue to go without. Well at least I have enough "toys" to keep me occupied :-).

Unity just might work

I have been talking a lot to many different females lately. I find that especially in a small town women tend to not really unite the way that we can or maybe even should. Now I am not really one to talk since I have WAY more male friends than female ones but whenever I associate with a female I want to uplift them. I want them to be happy and I would Never even talk to a dude that they fool with in any way because that just isn't cool. But I've noticed that not many women really care like that. Not only that they tend to intentionally harm one another or try to break each other down in order to gain attention from a man.
 Now I try to play the background in huge social situations and just associate with a few people because I am not into the showiness of it all. I like to interact with people I know but I guess it is more the intention behind the interactions that is the problem. It saddens me to see women get loud, walk around constantly and cut one another down just for men to notice them or somehow improve their own self image or worth. Then they talk about each other when they find out they are messing around with the same man as if somehow it is the woman's fault. Even if she is a ho there is probably no telling what he is saying to her as well as you. AND if we stay with him why even get angry at all? I have towed that line and knowing that it is not anyone Else's fault but my own for selling myself short stopped me from even feeling animosity towards a chick. I have seen so many times women loosing self worth over a man, refusing to talk to other females on assumptions of what she is doing or saying rather than what they know about her. When we do that we miss out. That is not to say that we should pull up a chair and have dinner with a chick our man has been with or that has betrayed us but that we unite. Agree to disagree if you will and see that we sometimes make the bed that we lie in and there is no problem with understanding that we need one another. We need to be able to share one-another experiences, thoughts and love. Knowing that God gives us all the ability to impart treasures upon others. I love so many different people for so many different reasons, they add to me in ways that I may never be able to explain but they do so richly that I know that the gift is priceless. so ladies lets move forward in a unity that states that we don't have to even like one another but if we share a love for our worth then we can remove much of the hurt that we allow ourselves to experience just by uniting.


Phenomenal Woman excerpt- this is what we are!!......
Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenally.
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

This Is 4 U...

If you were my body and we attained the perfect merge There'd be no ceasing to our  grinding we'd feel the shifting of the Earth
Each swell of our flesh and retention of sweet love juices
Would potentially cause the perfect inevitable love infusion
I lay upon my pillow with my legs spread agate
Awaiting your manly presence saturated with liquid fate
There are sensations dancing over softness of my flesh
So primal is this experience the final sip allows refresh
Lying trembling from breast to thighs
Reviewing the intensity of the waves from our tide
We are renewed beyond our words reaching out with love still hands
My anticipation subdued until we next weave our sensual strands