Missing him

Ok I miss him so much lately. We did not have a good relationship and out of the 10 years there isn't much for me to celebrate but he has something I just haven't found else where. Since I was 17 he was like a star in my world. Really... I always just wanted his touch, not even just sexually but he comforted me sooo much. But he hurt me too with that touch- catch 22 huh? Anyway all of my children are with this man and he is not even my husband but God knows I treated him that way. I did everything I felt  a wife should for him. I know there were mistakes that I made but I kept all the fundamental values in tack. I never cheated and even worse never really wanted to.  Anyway, I was describing the perfect man to me to a friend and she said "you know who you just described don't you".... ughh yes. So is it becuase I spent so long with him? I virtually grew up with this man from the age of 17 so maybe that is it... he is just the model of man I have had. He treated me so bad at times I could never put into words the hurt I still feel from it... yet I still miss him. I know all of the things I want from my next man and it is hard for me to believe that he is out there. I mean plus I have 3 children coming in. How difficult is that? I know it is possible I will just wait. I pray that he gets himself together and is able to all that his heart desires and really I want clarity for myself.
Life can be soooo difficult