Race relations

So what is race relations any way.... that is a question I have been asking myself lately. Its hard to have a definitive answer to that. I mean what is race any way? I am "bi racial" black and white so why are people surprised when I hang with my "white" friends? A friend of mine said that Im light enough to pass for white but Im so hood no one would fall for it.... So after this last D&D hosted by @sociallifeavl I have been talking and thinking a lot about racial unity and how to attain it. And even how to define the word race. I feel that we are all a part of a whole of a community. I know there are differences in people from different cultures but culture is more socioeconomically and geographical. If I grew up in the projects my mannerisms, thoughts, behavior and experiences are derived  from that. There for my tendencies are going to be to gravitate towards those people. I am comfortable with them and want to be accepted and that is whom I would feel would embrace me with no questions asked. But I can say that I have forged some relationships with people that I just wouldn't have gotten to know if I weren't in a situation to be out of that comfort zone understanding that there is more out there and I can have fun with anyone and experience different things in life. I am happy to do things with people that do not share my views, experiences or understand some of my slang. Just as I enjoy being around people that just understand how it feels to come from the situations I have and that I can have a conversation with without having to explain my verb age to. Basically I like building new relationships, no matter how long they may last or if they end up not turning out so well. It is hard to accept the fact that we are all one if we have been raised to believe that there is a natural separation. So I just feel that we all just need work on our relationships period.. starting with yourself and your family then you can open up with other people from different background with different sexual, religious,political, etc beliefs. We are able to learn and grow from one another and THAT makes us whole!

Realizations

So I am on the West Coast for the first time ever. I am staying on a Marine base so there are a lot of families here and men (I love men). Any way I love to talk to people and find out about them as individuals. I was talking to folks about their lives, travels, family and things that they hold dear to them. I have found that humans all have the nature to self protect or "make the best" out of whatever situation. Only a few couoples declared great love for one another... most spoke of the "best option" and things not being "that bad" or "could be worse". I began thinking... what is better? being single, a single parent or person or having someone to be better off financially and not to be lonely. I was talking to a woman and telling her that she was so blessed to have such a great husband, he helped with the kids, cooked, doted on her, didn't look at other women, very nice looking. She was not really happy with him, she complained about small things- the food was weird, the baby was screaming too much etc... she frowned a lot and made comments that cut him down. She is not happy but will not leave. While sitting on the beach I was thinking about my loneliness, I have male "prospects" but I can't allow them to get too close.. I have a lot to get together for myself before a committed relationship can be on the horizon. But I am lonely, I want a man to wake up to, to cook and clean for, to hold, rub, make love to, argue with, have make up sex with, to do things with my children, be there for when he is in need, to thank for taking out the trash, to struglle with, to scratch his head... and the list goes on. I feel better with one man (guess thats why I stay in relationships). But for the first time in my life I am working on my progression because I deserve to have a husband that loves me and he will deserve to have me love him. So I realized sitting there with tears running down my cheeks that it may be a while but I will have what I want and need. I will not settle. I do not feel that I am the nagging type and I honestly feel that men need to have their ego attended to and get upset when I see women take for granted what they have. So to never be that woman I must not take what is in front of me just because it is the one there the longest... not this time. And not even me being "in love with him" will cause me to deal with anything that is beneath me. I'll continue to solo trips, nights alone and distant dates where nothing will progress until I am ready because I know that I will get all that I deserve and want! Love all..........

Missing him

Ok I miss him so much lately. We did not have a good relationship and out of the 10 years there isn't much for me to celebrate but he has something I just haven't found else where. Since I was 17 he was like a star in my world. Really... I always just wanted his touch, not even just sexually but he comforted me sooo much. But he hurt me too with that touch- catch 22 huh? Anyway all of my children are with this man and he is not even my husband but God knows I treated him that way. I did everything I felt  a wife should for him. I know there were mistakes that I made but I kept all the fundamental values in tack. I never cheated and even worse never really wanted to.  Anyway, I was describing the perfect man to me to a friend and she said "you know who you just described don't you".... ughh yes. So is it becuase I spent so long with him? I virtually grew up with this man from the age of 17 so maybe that is it... he is just the model of man I have had. He treated me so bad at times I could never put into words the hurt I still feel from it... yet I still miss him. I know all of the things I want from my next man and it is hard for me to believe that he is out there. I mean plus I have 3 children coming in. How difficult is that? I know it is possible I will just wait. I pray that he gets himself together and is able to all that his heart desires and really I want clarity for myself.
Life can be soooo difficult

#DontJudgeMe

So I honestly want to know how men think they can be so picky. I mean when I look at how most men look, dress, don't have much, conduct themselves etc... I wonder if they are serious about how they are critiquing women all of the time. This is coming from convos I have been having with many different people and how I have been observing peoples actions in different environments. For example one night at the club I was standing by the stage with about 7 different dudes. There was a dress contest going on at the time where the women were walking around, dancing and such in their little black dresses. Well one of the guys I was standing with was no prize. As a matter of fact I would be surprised if he ever was able to pull ANYONE in the club. So he is going through the girls.. she is too skinny, she is too fat, so and so forth. Anyway I do understand that women tend to put themselves on display more than men but there is a point that you have to be honest with yourself and undersand that maybe you shouldn't judge people so much yourself. Maybe just maybe you should take a step back and try to understand that YOU may not be the best thing either and may just need to pump your brakes... #ImJustSaying

Youth

Ok so again I am recently single after 10 years in a relationship with a man that I loved very unconditionally. Well now that I am on the dating scene I am approached by many men. As a matter of fact a young man that was trying to "talk" to me after a recent event was saying that everytime he sees me out I have a flock of men around me like vultures. And as he was trying to talk to me one swooped in in front of him and he didn't know what to do. The dude that swooped was 22 years old..smh. I am a year from 30, what can I do with a 22 year old I am thinkng. But as I analyze this I realize that most of the men that come hard are young. Men do follow me out of clubs and bars almost everytime I go, no matter the city I am in but the older men tend to give up, they give the impression that it isn't worth the effort but the young men are trying hard. I have found myself dealing with younger and younger men. 24 is the limit that I have given myself right now but I want to tell a story about a young man in Charlotte at Wet Willies one time. There were about 4 or 5 dudes trying to talk to me while my folks and I were at our table. Several of them would leave but come back and talk. Well I go to the bathroom and when exiting a man stops me and we are speaking. He wass very atractive, short stocky, dark...good looking. I am talkng to him, he was 28, he worked for some firm he said well no sooner than we are exchanging this information  one of the young men from earlier walks in front of him, I say I was speaking to him and he looked at him and said "now your speaking to me". Dude walked away! I could have liked him. So of course I was interested in this man that was so interested in me that he didn't let anyone else swoop in. He had good convo, witty and sexy..... I liked it.... now for the ?  always asked "How old are you" -20. HUH? The only man in here that really stepped to me is 20? NO way! Of course I couldn't give him my number but I wanted to. I was so dumbfounded and the question I feel I need to ask is- Where are you grown men? I feel that I am a beautiful, self reliant, capable and very good woman. I am a catch but the only men that are really coming hard enough to be noticed are "lil boys". Don't do me like that! I can't imagine getting serious with a lil guy that I have to teach things to.. I mean I ave 3 kids.. what can he teach them? I need some answers please help. And ladies yes I know about the sex.... next blog ;o)

Some Kind of Way

I am not usually a fan of the new sayings but I must throw this one out there.... I have certainly been feeling "some kind of way lately". Now I can't describe the way that I am feeling exactly which is what is killing me. The thing is I am not usually at a lose for words. I can almost always put a word to anything even if I choose not to share that word. So I guess I am looking at myself right now and not really feeling what is up. I've been going out a lot, traveling and getting to know a lot of different people and I am still feeling at a lose for something. but the other day I reading my bible and trying to reflect on some things and came to realize that there is a real plan set for us. And I know i never really knew the plan and when I learned about it certainly didn't want to follow it. But it is fairly obvious that there is a reason that things are designed the way they are. And I want to teach my children better. Show them that there are different options to going through crazy things and having to "learn from our mistakes". I really would like to lay a stronger foundation for my kids and I am trying to really focus on that right now. In the midst of this all I am trying to find myself some stability and enjoy dating, living and seeing different things. Being confined in a relationship in which I didn't feel appreciated or even really loved left me wanting for a lot of things. And now I am finding so many things that I want to do and it is great. But missing so much. I guess this rant is just about finding myself and my path within myself and my path. Trying to find my way back to knowing my way so that I can take the responsibility of these kids on my shoulders fully the way that I need to. Anyway I am sure I will add to this one too, just needed a therapy rant... Now on to something else...

The Lil Horn Dog That Could

I think I can I think can... that's the words that go through my head just about daily. I'm not having sex right now. Yeah NONE! I really feel like there are so many things I'm praying and preparing 4 so I cant just be having sex wit anyone but the man that's set 2 be my husband.I mean I'm not drinking anymore either n working on other areas of my life too but this IS HARD! I really like sex... the experience of it. And I am very capable of having sex with a man and not even wanting him to call me unless we are ready to schedule an "appointment".  As a matter of fact my home girls often tell me I'm "worse than men" because of how I may deal wit my "duck off dude". I call em that cause we just go duck off somewhere..no dates,convo about the day, fake emotional attachments... really anything like that. Just sex... good sex.. the type that u can let go with, hair pulling, ass slapping, body licking... well ya know. Anyway its obviously not been an easy feat so I decided to blog about it. I have made up my mind therefor I am going to see this through. i guess that is where my #twitterafterdarks come in... they comfort me... allow me to release things verbally and go to sleep. Twitter has saved me a few nights from making a reckless phone call too! I appreciate that. I like random sex, even with someone I care nothing about like that but I prefer to be able to do it right. With someone I care about and want to experience more with. So here we go friends, it is time to suck it up (no pun intended) and continue to go without. Well at least I have enough "toys" to keep me occupied :-).