Friday, June 18, 2010

Some Kind of Way

I am not usually a fan of the new sayings but I must throw this one out there.... I have certainly been feeling "some kind of way lately". Now I can't describe the way that I am feeling exactly which is what is killing me. The thing is I am not usually at a lose for words. I can almost always put a word to anything even if I choose not to share that word. So I guess I am looking at myself right now and not really feeling what is up. I've been going out a lot, traveling and getting to know a lot of different people and I am still feeling at a lose for something. but the other day I reading my bible and trying to reflect on some things and came to realize that there is a real plan set for us. And I know i never really knew the plan and when I learned about it certainly didn't want to follow it. But it is fairly obvious that there is a reason that things are designed the way they are. And I want to teach my children better. Show them that there are different options to going through crazy things and having to "learn from our mistakes". I really would like to lay a stronger foundation for my kids and I am trying to really focus on that right now. In the midst of this all I am trying to find myself some stability and enjoy dating, living and seeing different things. Being confined in a relationship in which I didn't feel appreciated or even really loved left me wanting for a lot of things. And now I am finding so many things that I want to do and it is great. But missing so much. I guess this rant is just about finding myself and my path within myself and my path. Trying to find my way back to knowing my way so that I can take the responsibility of these kids on my shoulders fully the way that I need to. Anyway I am sure I will add to this one too, just needed a therapy rant... Now on to something else...

The Lil Horn Dog That Could

I think I can I think can... that's the words that go through my head just about daily. I'm not having sex right now. Yeah NONE! I really feel like there are so many things I'm praying and preparing 4 so I cant just be having sex wit anyone but the man that's set 2 be my husband.I mean I'm not drinking anymore either n working on other areas of my life too but this IS HARD! I really like sex... the experience of it. And I am very capable of having sex with a man and not even wanting him to call me unless we are ready to schedule an "appointment".  As a matter of fact my home girls often tell me I'm "worse than men" because of how I may deal wit my "duck off dude". I call em that cause we just go duck off dates,convo about the day, fake emotional attachments... really anything like that. Just sex... good sex.. the type that u can let go with, hair pulling, ass slapping, body licking... well ya know. Anyway its obviously not been an easy feat so I decided to blog about it. I have made up my mind therefor I am going to see this through. i guess that is where my #twitterafterdarks come in... they comfort me... allow me to release things verbally and go to sleep. Twitter has saved me a few nights from making a reckless phone call too! I appreciate that. I like random sex, even with someone I care nothing about like that but I prefer to be able to do it right. With someone I care about and want to experience more with. So here we go friends, it is time to suck it up (no pun intended) and continue to go without. Well at least I have enough "toys" to keep me occupied :-).