TAKING TIME

Ok time for a rant real quick
Bare with me folks
So I am single now, only one year since I've been of age to date that Ive been single. So I have to be very cautious and really I want to be a bit selfish. I was with my last man for 11 years and gave him my all. I want to offer the next man Im with my all also so I need to take this time to heal and experience things. So when I get invovled with a man I wil let him know the things that I can offer and what Im not ready to offer. But it seems to fall on deaf ears sometimes or I am not communicating well enough or I show something different I do not know.
It seems that when I get close to someone enough to someone for me to start feeling them all of a sudden they seem to want way too much or do not want to pace with me. Or get scared or something. I want to take my time with my next relationship to get to know the person and not feel like Im jumping into something without taking time for me and how and what I need. Its like only a month or two and they want "more" and don't like the idea of me dating other men, talking to other men...etc. And NO its not he type of men I am dating because I do not have a "type" I just want a single man (no gf,baby mama they live with, divorcing, or still married men) and for him to have a job. I do not even care what kind of job. He doesn't really have to have a car even. I have dated and became close with me that need to work on some things and I get that. Point being I date all different men at different times in their life so I do not blame that. I just feel at a loss right now because I want a good man and a relationship but I just want them to wait, I do not know why things have to be rushed and pushed so far. I want to take things slower and if it works out then good.... ohhh well I told you I was gonna rant... UGHHHHHHHHHHHHH

TwitterAfterDark

So I have been reading a lot on twitter about how the females that participate in #TwitterAfterDark are just looking for attention and aren't getting any. I was just wondering if it was really true so I did some introspection in order to know if that is my intentions. Becuase I love #TwitterAfterDark and do it sometimes in the middle of the day.. lol. Anyway I came up with no Im not. I mean in all honesty I get plenty of attention, even when I do not want it. And as far is sex is concerned if Im not engaging in it for any reason it is becuase I do not want to at the time not because I can't. I am not saying this out of conceit, its really what I truly reflected on. The thing is I like sex. I like talking about it, writing about it, doing it, reading about it, watching it... Its a very primal expression of ones self. No I do not have a "man" right now so I engage in these things. When I get an official man I will not and not even because Im getting it as it will be because I will not disrespect my man in that manner. I got into a twitter convo about what true expression is and what forum is appropriate for what. I use twitter for my more #TwitterAfterDark expressions mostly more becuase it is an appropriate forum and I get it out and move on. So really what Im saying is just because people express all of them (and sex is a huge part of them) doesn't mean they are attention seeking. I know there are times when they are. Ive been around the people that who brag about sexual things, try to get a lot of attention through sexual exploits or the conversation about them. But things are not always that complex. Sometimes you just like to talk about the things you enjoy, think about the things you have done and fantasize about the things you want to or will soon do. I have had my tweets judged and been told that it makes me look bad to engage in such conversations and honestly it just may. But also I really do not care, they are my thoughts, I am not a one dimensional person and can engage in any conversation be it intellectual or sexual. I am learning that not everyone is as... well lets say "open" with their sexual desires as I am but just because they are not doesn't mean I have to sensor myself. I like it and I will continue #ImJustSaying...

Misty

So I call she to find out when to visit the bestie and the baby. I get an obscure answer that she and the baby isn't in the room or available. So this is the woman that was there with me through all of my births, went to Dr. appointments, helped me through any and all issues that Ive had in my life in the past 18 years. When my childrens father wasn't there she was and he wasn't there A LOT. So needless to say I jumped out of bed, ran out of the house and up to the hospital. I didnt know what was wrong or if anything was wrong at all but this is my sis. I love her and if anything ever happened to her or any of the kids I would die! So Im speeding, running lights, etc......  I run through the hospital and up the steps and am panicing. I  am not the type of person that gets panicked easily but I just didnt' know what was going on with the people that mean so much to me in my life. I find out all is well and go to see her and my heart returns to a regular rate and I look at her. I realize I need her in my life. Not to just be there for me, I need to be there for her. She is a half of me I can't go without. I met her when I was 11 yrs old in 6th grade at a time in my life when I was not feeling like anyone understood me. We shared a connection and she was so non judgemental. I am part of her family and she mine. People constantly talk about how our friendship is so amazing and admirable. I agree.... today I pictured my life without her and my heart stopped. I lost motivation and I was so sad to think anything would happen to this woman. I am sitting in her hospital room thanking God that I am so blessed. I have a friend, I can call her a friend and know that she will always be a friend to me even  when I do not deserve a friend at all. Thank You Misty G for being you and allowing me to be me! I love you, you are an example to me of how I should and can be as a woman! I am blessed....

Masks

Ive been watching these masks
off then on
on then off
What is it that we see from behind screens?
Destortion is real
So much we fail to know
So I watch these masks
from behind my screen
I can't see much and there isn't many that see me
I mean they say they do but come on man....
Shh whats up with these masks?
Aight ol girl said she is confident
"Oh hunny I got this!"
but you step on others, manipulate and lie
Hate on others and not really know why
An ol boy say he handling bizzness
"Come on nigga you know I got bitches!
and money and respect man Fuck these snitches"
but you dont' know your kids or pay your house bills
can't stand up straight cause the lies got you bent
Damn man whats up with these masks?
I mean we all get hurt so we pull our head back and adjust
Adjust the newest mask
the "I Don't Give A Fuck Mask"
"Ahh these niggas aint shit watch how I treat em" mask
"I wont let em get close and use more than most,
oh theyll remember me" mask
When the heart gets touched by the one that hurts so much
the mask is stained from inside out, tainted and smeered
you trying to claw your way out
Shhh man fuck these masks
I sat today molding a mask for myself
A mask that could lead me and guide me through my past
I sat today rolling a blunt and nestled inside my cloud
I sat today sipping my drink and lay out under the warmth
I stood today popped my pill and danced the night away
I lay today fucking and fucking until my mind went numb
I lay today lying and screaming inside fantisizing about that Big shit
You know that plan I got.....
"Imma get to it, tomorrow, next year oh yeah next year"
I played myself through my mask
I knew I played myself but it was behind my mask
thats why it didnt' count
Ive been watching these masks metamorphosize
Ive been seeing my own mask from behind my eyes
So today I mold my mask, shape it just like I like
Take a sip,swallow a pill,smoke a blunt and fuck my way....
I stand over myself in reflection, look up
And break my mask........
Now
Its just me
Me with no mask......

What Really Matters

I am almost in awe over how much I do not know
How much I thought I did and how much more you have shown
I could never have imagined someone lending to my life
Whose age is so young but intellect so bright
When I reflect upon the man that in you Im coming to see
I realize there is no way to know all of the possibilities
Its hard for me to overcome the thoughts that this could not be right
How is ther a man inside when your age just doesn't seem ripe?
There are not many people in the world that just connect
And there aren't many times that I can say "its him I can't forget"
So I have decided to enjoy each moment I have in time
And if you are there then; well that will be just fine.

ill is he

What does it take to call a man Ill?
Can he be bent or does he have an unbroken will?
So this is the question I've asked myself when writing down these words
Cause we all want us an "ill" man that maybe could even navigate our curves.
But I'll ask it one more time, how is this "ill" man measured?
How do we walk past his being and know he has more than we've known ever?
And how "ill" has to be the lady that can capture his attention
How amazing must she be that to her he may just listen?
When can you call a man "ill" what ways can he yet show it?
Does he care for the ones he loves and strive to make his world fit?
Does he stand with back sometimes bent and knees that may just buckle?
Does he watch his kids grow and allow himself to fight with more than just his knuckles?
Is there a time that he takes to intellectually grow and forth move?
Or even take the time to think before he responds as would a brood?
To me a man is "ill" when he has resigned himself to be all man
when he cares for the ones he loves and carries his family as the footsteps in the sand
If he can hold the burdens set upon his shoulders from the world.
When he can make you feel secure within the arms that God created
At the times that when all seems lost he steps out as a warrior fighting
He relinguishes his all just when you need to have it
And finds his will not far from the that of logic even when its hiding
If you hold that title-"ill" know there is responsiblity to be had
Stand strong and full with pride for an"ill" man is amazingly clad!

Our moments in time

This mans fingers are magic and his thrust amazing and full
His mouth fell upon mine and from within I felt a pull
A pull that was deep and too fundamental to deny
I knew it was not love but that feeling still makes me sigh
A delight of lust not lost and a fire impossible to quench
This can last all night and each night and day and forever hence
Rapture of the body physical from somewhere at its core
A grinding of desires creating a melody heard no more
If together we create a whirlwind full of all this passion
Can we hold it from the world dull the light as if its ashen?
Or would all see as my skin reacts to your presence as you pass me?
Or realize that between us is found way too much to actually be seen?
I can't say that I care to think of how others may react
If they saw us sprawled out within one another exposing just how we attract
How we move within a rhythm that has yet to be set
And know the secret place where we go without regret
With those finger tips of magic and the mouth so soft and full
And the thrust that fulfills my need and the hips that push and pull
I find full exhaust and amazing trepidation
You make me want you more and more at this point you're my expectation
So let me wrap myself around you and delight within with this grind
Let me fantasize about these sensations that we have created in our moments in time.

Goodnight

I wrote myself a letter last night while lying in the dark
I wrote it all about all the reasons Im falling apart
A long letter I wrote filled with the things that I regret
Things I've done before and things I havent done yet
I cried upon my letter I smiled upon its glories
I hugged myself tight and I let the letter take my worries
My letter screamed back at me things I didn't want to learn
It yelled out and accosted me with things I've never heard
I never slept a wink never once enjoyed a slumber
I wanted to lie still and let the night take away my blunders
But sleep it did not come and reprieve I did not find
I was stuck within some dark place found only in my mind
I tried to crawl from under the dark cloud of my creation
As I pulled myself up slowly from the decent of my personal invasion
I clawed at images of trust lost and hurt too deep to speak of
I thrust and tore at walls I built up in defense from all that was
Within this war I created from my past that invades my present
I realized my growth was inevitable and abreast with my thoughts decent
My eyes,they began to fall and my letter it was transformed
From the harshness of desire lost to a soul that is reformed.
My letter was a beautiful one drenched so heavily with tears
No more worries were found within it and there too was no more fears
And scrawled out on the bottom in letters scratched out as if written without light
Was a P.S written to myself that said I love you January, goodnight...........
I wrote myself a letter last night while lying in the dark.

The True extexts of me

If I could write my story what would the title be?
How could I show the world the true extents of me?
Some pages would be dark the others so bright one could not see,
How could I show the world the true extents of me?
I've stared forlorned in mirrors wondering what I could actually be
I could make the world mine if through my eyes they could see.

What if I wrote a story in which had my heart ache and pain?
Could one read the pages? Through my hurt could someone gain?
Maybe anothers sunshine could emerge from my rain,
We all know life is a journey in which we loose and yes we gain
So yes; maybe someones sunshine could emerge from my rain.
Truth be told there was hurt but it wasn't all just pain.

I'll just have to contemplate just what this title would be.
The title of the book that holds the true extents of me
There would be so much growth within the pages one would see
So much passion,love and lust that creates the being that I be
I could write it all down and make it plain for all to see
Hey the title of my book can be "The True Extents of Me"!


In the pages you will find a will that no one has ever broken
A faith and love for God too deep for any words of it to be spoken
There's solemon nights of hurt and and joy with the sun as if it were awoken
I see it all now within the pages I would lay myself open
I could stretch myself out and say the things that are yet unspoken
Explain the things that offer the complexities within me woven.




Would you read this book I ask you?
With blood words and marrow true?
Sprawled out with its essence pure and open and new?
Exposing what I fear and all the things that make me blue?
My physhe yours to know and revealed to just sift through
And if I wrote it well would you read it-I ask you?


But how could I express within the pages who is me?
It seems like a great idea until I think about how it could be
To compose a work reflecting the woman that no one sees.
The one that is seen within my eyes that is fighting to be free
The things that comprise who I am the things that seem to define
me.
I could show my ample flowing and undying sexuality
Or my softness that as a woman is defined as femininty
As long as I am saying it we'd watch my hips that flow as the braches on a tree
And delve into the moments of my inelegancies
Finding within the pages times unflattering to see
But without those times there is no way to see the true extents of me
Without watching how I love as if in full interrengency
And how I will endure so much pain just so others can be free
Or even how my word is bond just for the sake of loyalty
I would allow ones fingers to carress the silkeness that contructs me
And watch as they move over areas with abrasion and debris
I would wonder if there is understanding of my true intellegency
Or if they could imagine the soul that cries from within mutedly
Or follow the clave rhythm of a drum that within me beats
If I could write it down and make it plain for all to see
Then there laid out in blood and marrow would be---- The True Extents of me......

Ol Boy

Hold on Ol boy? You  mean the old boy that makes every other ol boy seem like just another "ol boy"? Ohhh yeah the one with the body shaking abilities? Raw vibes and amazing body? The one that has made me feel things I was unsure I was still able to feel? You mean the dude that says stuff that I might just say?Play games that I might just play? Win the race that I may just race? Ohh that one that makes me want to take care of his needs? The one that makes me feel like dropping to my knees? That dude whose name should never be spoken with a lil in front of it? Ohh that dude that keeps me up at night? The one that makes me always want him in my sight? The one that has stolen my heart? Ohhh Ol boy? Have you seen him? Shhhh well if you do tell him I said-----wassup! ;-)

Me

If ever I find the freedom to be myself
I'll fly far above it all
look down in love
happy I am gone
happy I am far
When ever I know the security of knowing I am safe
I'll turn off the lights
embrace the dark
happy I am able
happy I am safe
I can imagine how it will feel to know that my mistakes are temporary
Not be bound
Not be in doubt
happy to know my mishaps
happy to understand I am human
I wonder when I will know if there is ever a time I will know
understand the misunderstood
embrace what I can't imagine
happy I am unwise
happy I am Me

You

I find you n my dreams and follow you through the dark



wake up in a sweat, cold, skin smooth


You permeate within me


I chase you in thoughts and make love to you in my heart


Holding you tight within me


your love penetrates me


If I keep you close enough I am sure you can't escape


What do I do if you run? How could I ever relieve the pain?


you define me


I find myself staring and wanting to carress your face


You make me desire your essence


you excite me


If ever there is a time that I need to be needed


you provide the opportunity


You-you make me,me

Wait

Pulling out my chair, opening up doors
looking longingly in my eyes
and I wait
He says all of the right things
smiles at me when I enter the room
and still I wait
Morning texts to say hello beautiful
check in texts throughout the day
yet I wait
secure as a man
strong in his beliefs
so why do I wait
The other shoe is bound to drop
Everything starts out great
One day soon I will see
For that I wait
To see what is not perfect
know what I think I do
see what he's scared to show
Any second.....so I wait
But what if Im stalling
waiting in vain
so I self destruct
self destruct....while I wait
I want what we all seem to want
love that is true and full
I want to be the thing that makes all worth while
For that I wait
I know that I'm unsure
no control is what I fear
I want to let go
For that........you have to wait

Who knows?

I am a mother of 3, age 29,student, full time employee and single.
I do not mind being single and really enjoy it actually. I have not ever really been single and staying single is a bit of a struggle even. There are so many men in this world and not only that there are so many experiences that I feel I need to have. But of course I want someone. I do not need anyone as far as finances,comfort,etc... are concerned its just I want that one person that I can't wait to see. Can't wait to listen to, be around, cook for, hold,assist,travel with, make love to,raise my children with and yes possibly even have kids with. But is that even possible? I know that there are men out there that may be able to deal with me and my life with my children,but it is very difficult to see how. I can't even share the experience of raising my kids with their father because he is incarcerated until 2014 so it is me, and thank God; my mother I am able to maintain a life and stability. I date,travel and club. All of that is separate. The men I may date have no dealings with my kids, I do not even like to share their names with them. So when men talk about wanting me and trying to be part of my life I can't even listen, I mean they do not know all of me. They don't see me with my head a mess , breath stinking,crying,sad,angry, really nothing outside of the "dating" light so of course that is not something that I can accept. I was asked how are they suppose to show me if I don't let them but I had to let em know that there is so much more at stack than just my feelings. Its my children also, so I can not throw caution to the wind. I have to consider so many factors.
This was prompted by a situation I had with my oldest daughter. She is so much like myself and her father she is impossible sometime. I have had to bust her butt a couple of times lately and she breaks my heart. I came to my room crying and wanted to talk to someone about it. Wanted to just share it and the person I thought about I realized doesn't even have kids, he probably wouldn't even listen, as a matter of fact I know he wouldn't be interested. And yes I am sure there is someone that wants to listen and cares but how long would it be until it got old to him? I mean cmon who wants to listen to that mess all of the time? It will always happen and many of the things will have no solution and be frustrating at best. I am equipped and prepared to do it alone and know that I will probably have to for a while but that fact doesn't stop me from wondering, from wanting, from yearning, from fantasizing. I love my life and experiences right now, I am fulfilled and content I love myself and my children so I feel good. But there is always room from improvement, for progress and exceptions to the rules.
I mean.....who knows maybe I read this next year and smirk at my pessimistic views laying next to the man who has shown me that my daunting anguish was illogical. Or maybe I find that I can't handle it, I can't see it happening and no matter the deep feelings I have for a man I know in my heart that he can't deal with it, with me, with my package.
shrugs
who know...........................

What are we without it?

So do all men and women deserve respect?

I am a bit undecided about this one...... I mean I love men, I think they all are amazing and have at the very least the potential to be, do and achieve great things.

But we all know how they are perceived now a days, how they tend to act (I am speaking generally) and even though I am speaking generally the fact of the matter is the bulk of men that women tend to encounter;either by chance or bad "searching skills". I mean if you're in the bar,club or another woman's house looking for your man then you will get what that environment has to offer. But no matter how you come in contact with the man that has hurt you beyond words it is hard to open up and trust another. They all seem pretty hopeless sometime, dawgs,liars,schemers,cheaters,abusers.... and the list goes on.
 But no matter what I love men! Because for all of the wrong that men may do they do sooooo much right. They comfort us when the world seems to be too much to bear, they protect us when we feel there is no one there to help, they are our companions, supporters,lovers,captivating help meet. They are what we can't be.

So yes they deserve respect. That is my assertion.

Now women.... I am one so a bit biased but lets be honest, we play ourselves a lot.
We try to prove so much that we can do all that men do so we often cut men off by being overly independent, we nag, we try to have sex like men many times not considering our own worth, we take nude pictures for men who do not care to know our name, strip in clubs, have sex in videos, fight in clubs,curse on social network,have sex with each others man,defy friendships for a mans touch, nag for hardly no reason, down grade ourselves and one another then live lonely when we realize there is not much else left.

But come on now, a woman- a woman supports her man through hurt, loss and poverty, she cooks, cleans, bears kids, makes love, she is able to make the money, go to school, dry her and your tears, love fully and unconditionally,bandage the cuts,kiss the bruises,lets you know you are a man, and if need be do it all in you absence.
Sometimes I myself and amazed at the things we can endure just as I am enduring them I am stunned that I can stay sane......so yes we deserve respect, all of the time!

There is so much we all do wrong and so many ways we should improve. In no way could any of us reach our full potential without one another. We need one another, males need females (no matter your sexual orientation) so out of this all we need to give what is deserved and not necessarily what individual actions ask of you. We all deserve respect, once we have established it within ourselves it is nothing to give to others.

Mit Mit

What does it mean to have a friendship? I have had relationships with people that I consider my "people" but I have only had 2 females that I consider friends and really only one that I could say has been there for me even when I haven't deserved it. She and I have been friends for 18 years and she is such a supportive person, she is just amazing. Our birthdays are 3 days apart and we perceive things in much the same light. I do not have to explain my "extra-ness" to her. She just gets me and she is honest with me, she would never approach my man in any way and she loves me. I love her too, she is my sister. Any way I have been observing how few women have that kind of relationship. We are very blessed to have one another. I know that she values me as well. So of course me being me I wrote a poem for her.


If I am to have a soul mate then she is my best friend
When I met her she understood me when not many people can say they can
There are situations in our life that I doubt we will forget
Meeting Mit at Asheville middle is the one for me, I bet
Thinking of this crazy girl and how we laugh for hours
We've cried together for no reason and had fish fries through our trials
School woes,driving tests,man problems and child birth we did together
I was crying and asking for her when I gave birth to my first daughter
I smile when I think about how she cut Myrakles cord
We have such a connection I heard her thoughts without her words
She sees the beauty in my craziness and always tells me the truth
I often wonder how I'm so blessed to share such a connection from youth
We don't even see each others boyfriends or step out of line with them
If we see or hear of them doing something with us they must contend
There were times in my life when things just seemed too much to bear
Id call up my girl Mit and end the call laughing til tears
There are only a few people in this world that can hold their own
She is one of them and I am always impressed by the courage that she has shown
When there were troubles on the home front I would call up my guiding light
She has always been there for me without judgement and gives me good insight
She is my sister and my soul mate and we will sure grow old still talking junk
We will raise our kids and make our mistakes until in the ground we are to be sunk
She is so complex that not many people understand her
But I can understand her thoughts and can tell her as they occur
We can look and snicker at a joke that neither of us have said
Its like we have a secret club with a manual that only we read
I have to say again I cherish my Mit dearly
I see her always with me laughing and joking so clearly
I pray that everyone I encounter will find such a friend as Mit
I thank her now and forever for being the person I'm at ease with.
Luh ya my Mit Mit........

I like it too

I hear a lot of good and endearing things from men. I really do love men as a species. Yes species. They are so amazing as creatures. So complex and beautiful. I remember as a child growing up with majority boys I used to want to be one. I mean things seemed easier for them. They got to pee standing up without even needing tissue (I may have tried it several times), they were tough, people didn't seem to expect them not to get hurt or scarred up or even say things like "you are way too pretty to be climbing trees like a lil boy". It just seemed to be the life. Then when I got older and began having sex that seemed way more simple too. It seemed that they could freely have sex with women, not care about them get the sexual pleasure they desired from them and cleanly move on. As a matter of fact the more sexual conquest the better. But not women....no we need to be ladies, we have so many rules. Now just to clarify I believe that women hold an extra responsibility to be aware of ourselves. To understand what it means to be a lady and to be a support. Like a back bone, I always look at it like the man as the head and the woman is the back bone, the body is a mutual thing but mostly it is control by the brain (the head). Women are natural supporters therefore we cannot just give away all that we are and spread it too thin because the burden could become too much. Anyway, I think that the idea that a woman is unable or unwilling to have unattached sexual relationships is not accurate. I mean just on a biological level it makes sense that we would want a mate for the rearing of the children but studies show that women begin to feel that the male presence is obsolete for the most part after the children turn four. My point is we like sex, can have it freely with some people without being this emotionally attached ball of stress. But I think that as a whole we all need to be careful with our use of sex too freely. I am a very sexual creature, I like it A LOT and have been told that I am a "nymphomaniac" on more than one occasion. So I want to know the balance. I personally feel that if you are single (meaning not in a relationship where the two of you have made an agreement to be with one another and no one else) you should be able to explore any options that are pertinent to you as an individual, be that sexual or platonic.
I am prompted to discuss this issue due to the fact that I am recently single after 10 years of being with someone that I was very faithful to. I would have never stepped outside of our relationship and didn't do things such as club, run around with my male friends or put myself in situations that may entice individuals of the opposite sex. Now that I am single it seems that people tend to form all kinds of opinions about what I should or should not do. Mainly people who know me (even though the relationships aren't genuine for a variety of reasons). Speaking with my children's father seems to put things into perspective for me as far as how males look at females. Our relationship is developing a good flow therefore we speak more candidly with one another. He began telling me that men only want one thing and will do anything to get it. I replied that maybe I want only one thing and since I do not have to go through so much to get it I feel open enough to make those decisions for myself. I just really feel that I can decide to have a young fervent lover for just that reason, he is young and able to be.....well ;-). But maybe I want an older more experienced lover, one who is able to bring the years of fortitude to me when we are engaged in our actions. No matter my choices I feel my obligation is to always be honest with myself and my partners and be able to accept when something has just "run its course."
SN: I do have feelings and have gotten them caught up in the mix of this mess but that seems to be common with both males and females so that doesn't isolate females as the ones that can't handle the encounters.

I want you!

Tell me how you want it and I'll give it how you need it.
When the time comes for it all you wont have the room to receive it.
Your thoughts will be all mine and your body will not be yours
My touch will be your desire n my tongue what you look for
I can work my hips with thrusts that will surely seem unreal
I will work to stroke you fully and all of me you will feel
Ill taste you will want to taste me back
You can pull my hair and behind me you can smack
If you dream it we can do it and will explore all that you have
I want to wrap myself around you as we share our halves
Tell me when youre ready and I'll show that I'm primed
I'll meet you where you want and we can make a scene outside
I would like to ride you slow and have push yourself real deep
Move in ways I've never felt, come put your girl to sleep

Forever

I want to feel your secrets as your fingers carress my skin


I need to know your past and present and all that is within

I dream of special times and others that are yet to come

I even want to remember the mistakes we leave undone

You create in me a feeling so far I thought was lost

You show me things I need to see without the emotional cost

You make want to breath you in and and taste what is your essence

You cause me 2 need to have you near and leave the desire fo your presence

We need to know each other in ways we have yet to discover

We can within this union way more thn simply being lovers

We have the power to create what needs to be expressed

We love this now and will for always we dive head first into this test

;-)

He's Gone

We all know the drill

he gets locked up and she breaks loose

Life's lessons taught so real

she learned too many, she just called it truce

10 years she loved him strong

10 years her love he denied

She fought with fist and will alone

He struck her down far too many times

His support she longed to be

his perfection is what she aspired

To gaze and see her true beauty

is all she asked for him to provide

Other women he always kept

yet she laid  with him no less

Self doubt and hurt and it was set

the pain pierced deep inside her chest

Raising a child that's not her own

because of the love for him that she attained

A love so unconditional and strong

he never wanted it- that caused her pain

So much abuse and she sat still

waiting as the moments passed by

Her soul almost crushed- no time to heal

for a healing the pain was sure to deny

She always blamed herself for staying

and watches her kids as they grew steady

Loving them- for better days praying

but leaving was the only remedy-this she knew

But breaking free seemed so impossible

letting go was much too hard

The thought of what was ohh so sensible

cut like the glass of broken shards

She felt destroyed, unloved, not needed

fought a battle of non-sense in claim

Through it all she kept her dreams

and refused to bow in shame

So when he left alone she lay

in the bed where they made love

Thinking o the words he'd say

so little of them filled with love

She cried so long and felt so lost

unaware of what to do

He was her life the one she sought

somehow someway he was her glue

but she woke up day by day

and went about her every task

Back down in the bed she'd lay

as she did along so many times in the past

She pictured life when he's return

fantasized that it would all change

"Damn girl no lesson learned?"

spoke that voice that sounded so strange

"This is your life and you have so much to give

here you are expecting that what was never true

How many days of hurt and years of pain did you live?

are you seriously debating if he'd be good to you?

You gave it all you had and there isn't much left

It is time that you looked out for yourself"

She thought-but how selfish a request

to put him up upon a shelf

Her argument made her laugh

cause she gave him 10 years to love her back

Even if he does improve and show her love just as she asked

could she claim to release the past, not keeping track?

She got up from the bed and moved to the mirror

 she wiped her tears and pushed her hair aside

She spoke the words aloud and let them flow just like a river

"No more of the hurt consider how much he lied

you have to are for you or no one else will ever no how.

Its time to move on- do what you have to do

you can seek what happiness is to you now."

With that she didn't get any sleep

at all that entire night

Pillow soaked eyes with streaks

the morning came cold and bright

So she let him while he was gone

you pass judgement if you'd like

But inside she knows she's wrong

she knows next time she will do it right.............

For you I will be

He says Im too much woman  

     But what the fuck does that mean?

Am I to be a threat to you 

     when I am showing you what I woman can be?

I will stand up for my man

     and be support to the children I bear.

I'll love you for the man you are

     and support you as you're on your journey there.

I can bear the weight of the world

     it seems at times thats what Im doing

I will tell you if Im unsure

     and support the goals you are pursuing

I'll pay the bills and clean the house

    and show you you're the man in our bedroom

I will work to stay looking nice

    a soft body for your attention to swoon.

I will rub your back and kiss your face

   and lick the places that taste so nice

It's my desire to please you 

   and support my home at any price

I would like a strong male to help 

   but can do it all without a man

I will do my best to allow you to

   and let you know I want you even though "I can"

Even if you think I am too much

   and to be with me is too large a challenge

I'm unable to do less than all I've always done

   even if my will to you seems strange

Miya Angelou spoke of being a woman

   and doing it phenomenally

I take that all to heart

   and will be the best woman I can be

I understand that it can be scary

   and there is no way to know what's next

Let me assure you this;

   I am "woman" and can stand the test.

But if I choose you as my man

   I'll concede to let you show me you can be the man for me

I will expect your best and you all

   that I have and hope you re ready to receive

So if you are willing

   or in the least bit ready to try

I want us to do this for real

   and not wait for time to pass us by.

   

Ecstasies Art

I enjoy being your plaything and rather like you being my toy,

We can do the things we like and each others bodies we can explore.

You can kiss me there and I would love to lick you too,

Wrapping myself up in your touch engrossed in all that you do.

Your essence is riveting and your aroma, it does entice,

I like to taste you by the drop and love it cause you fill my body so nice.

There isn't a desire to be fulfilled that my will is not ready to oblige

So lets start what we can't finish

and become captivated by our love montage

Bits and pieces.........

I have so many thoughts right now so here they are........


I wanna love again but Im blinded by hurt right now

Trying not 2 b bitter but the pain has me feeling so foul.......
 
I wink my eye n lick my lips

you rub my thighs working up my hips
If I tell you yes come take your time
every second counts wonder if you could be mine...


be careful what u say n

aware of what u do
when others pretend they know
understand they probably believe it too
there things we dont yet know
...even more we wont discover
rely on what has proven itself
Lend no creadance 2 any other


I want it I do but I need it even more

I have 2 have my needs met if Im going 2 explore
It may seem selfish or even a bit brash
I hold to expectations cuz my heart cant handle the thrash
step back n reconsider cause my world revolves round me
...If that makes u uncomfortable here is not where u need 2 be
Not sayin this 4 effect or 2 force ur hand in any way
Just showin u my perspective just in case there is a "some day"




suprise me,

show me something new
dont fret over competiion
make me be all about you..#ImJustSayin


If my methods offend u

n my ambition u despise
pause n consider this
we all r enjoyin the same ride
dont scrutinize my moves
...or investigate non truths
shhhh... how about I just keep on doing me
and you can just keep on doing you......... ;-)


Breath on my back,

fingertips on my thighs,
arms embracing tight,
I love everything you try




 I cry tears of acid yet Im never burned,cant be sad any more just many Ive learned........




Blow me kisses n I promise to catch them, be my security and I promise to fall, send me flowers n I promise to melt, love me unconditionally and I promise to keep our promise.




 I anticipate your embrace and encourage your release come and step with me baby and the rest we shall see............... ;-)

Hold me and kiss me, make me know that I am speacial, let ur flowers precede ur hello and compliments antedate ur criticism. And do this 4 all time, remember Im exceptional, appreciate my value and love my imperfections. Adore my being from inside out and make love to my soul 4 the years to come. Breath me and I will i...nhale u. We will only release when our final breathes r exhausted. Need me just try me out 4 size.

All of me...sn-#ItsOnlyTwitter

I have been getting a lot of calls and texts about things I put on twitter and the trending topics I go in on. I come from a small town and have been in a relationship for many years and therefor focused in the house and on kids. But I am out now, YES I go out, say ALL kinds of crazy things out of mouth, on fb or even twitter. I wont go into the whole "I am grown" thing but I will say that we all have many sides and avenues as to where and when we express them. I can tweet about giving head until my jowls hurt if I want to because that is what I have chosen to do. If you feel that it somehow degrades me as a woman then so be it. I am sure that your opinion on the matter is one that I do not even want much less need. I have a sneaky suspicion that you yourself have a bit too much to be covered with a tarp going on with you. Also know that I am able to conduct myself as an intelligent lady, outstanding student, supportive wife, loving mother, strong head of house as well as a complete and total freak. If you feel I am going for the "head Dr.Title" then go ahead and hand it over. I certainly know that people will talk and opinions are just like assholes and everyone has one so I am not trippin on that. I am trippin because who stops people to show tweets? Who takes their time to pull up my tweets and show them to anyone? I can't even imagine wasting  second out of my life to engage in such behavior. But you can all keep it up, print them out and make all speculation your little heart may desire in the mean time the next TT is #TheHeadDoctorAwardGoesTo...................... @drewnmit   ;-)  I absolutely Love All

What happened to making love?

So I love rap music, not really the type to sit back and listen to love songs and vibe as much as to some rap music. Give me some outkast,UGK,Wayne (yes Wayne),scarface... the list goes on. And I like sex...A LOT. I like rough sex, sweet sex,slow sex, fast sex, sex with food, hair pulling, ass slapping ALL off that. But this music got people fucked up! Men please listen to me... there comes a time when you need to slow it down sometime. At least with the chick that's not just a ho to you. Kiss her, caress her, lick her. And not just quick either. Stroke when you touch respond to her body as it reacts to the feeling of your touch. Listen to her moans as you gently kiss her all over her body. When you are licking her take time to taste her. Do the things you want, take pride in making her enjoy the way you make her feel and ecstasy that you are bringing her to. Sex is an experience. Its all good to "beat it up" as a matter of fact beating it up can be amazing, but balance yourself in you intimacy. Find out how you make her feel, you will learn more about what makes you feel good and how and what you want. Move within a rhythm and move your body in away that is so fluid that it moves crescendo closer and closer through the peak and back again. Understand that your masculinity is inherent so you can always soften your approach and your stroke. Trust me the reciprocity that you will encounter will show you that you are the Man.... who knows she may tell everyone.

A moment for eternity

Hold me and kiss me, make me know that I am special, let your flowers precede your hello and compliments antedate your criticism. And do this for all time, remember Im exceptional in my ampleness, appreciate my value and love my imperfections. Adore my being from inside out and make love to my soul for the years to come. Breath me and I will inhale you. We will only release when our final breathes are exhausted. Need me.... just try me out for size.

Are we Serious?

I am not usually one to address political issues or anything that may evoke a sense of political conversation. But I have to talk about illegal immigrants. So I have had ideas all over the spectrum on this one an admittedly many of them derived from pure ignorance and bias. Well I was speaking to someone whom I really respect and they were speaking of a mission trip they took deep into Mexico. Past the tourist spots and where water is present much less clean. She spoke about poverty that is completely unimaginable. She spoke about them having to travel miles by foot to go were there is running water for a shower that they had to pay for. Living in card board homes and starving beyond words, infested with decease. I began to ask myself how is there even a conversation or any animosity with anyone who puts on their grinding hat and do what ever it takes to improve. Really how can we not be reminded of the fact this glorious land on which we have built the"land of the free" is not, was not and will never be "ours". By ours I mean Americans all together. We live in a land soaked in blood and deception, consequences and falsehoods. Have we redeemed ourselves? NO! We just have faded into black and took facts and memories of truth with us. So once again who am I to judge a  man coming from a place like that and his efforts legal or not (remembering how the land was acquired, sustained and maintained in the first place). Lets take a look at what it took for black men to get he right to vote, eat in any restaurant, not be called boy or even just be allowed to own his own property. There was illegal action involved in the aide that was given to the cause.Not because the laws were adequate or represented the best interest of the "land of the free" but because it supported certain groups. I find that we are addressing this same issue as we look at the immigration laws. I do not have a definitive thought on this matter nor am I able to articulate fully my ideas on the subject. I just really needed to make the correlations that Ive been contemplating for a week now. I know there are many factors to be considered but at the end of the day... what is right is right. #ThatIsAll

Race relations

So what is race relations any way.... that is a question I have been asking myself lately. Its hard to have a definitive answer to that. I mean what is race any way? I am "bi racial" black and white so why are people surprised when I hang with my "white" friends? A friend of mine said that Im light enough to pass for white but Im so hood no one would fall for it.... So after this last D&D hosted by @sociallifeavl I have been talking and thinking a lot about racial unity and how to attain it. And even how to define the word race. I feel that we are all a part of a whole of a community. I know there are differences in people from different cultures but culture is more socioeconomically and geographical. If I grew up in the projects my mannerisms, thoughts, behavior and experiences are derived  from that. There for my tendencies are going to be to gravitate towards those people. I am comfortable with them and want to be accepted and that is whom I would feel would embrace me with no questions asked. But I can say that I have forged some relationships with people that I just wouldn't have gotten to know if I weren't in a situation to be out of that comfort zone understanding that there is more out there and I can have fun with anyone and experience different things in life. I am happy to do things with people that do not share my views, experiences or understand some of my slang. Just as I enjoy being around people that just understand how it feels to come from the situations I have and that I can have a conversation with without having to explain my verb age to. Basically I like building new relationships, no matter how long they may last or if they end up not turning out so well. It is hard to accept the fact that we are all one if we have been raised to believe that there is a natural separation. So I just feel that we all just need work on our relationships period.. starting with yourself and your family then you can open up with other people from different background with different sexual, religious,political, etc beliefs. We are able to learn and grow from one another and THAT makes us whole!

Realizations

So I am on the West Coast for the first time ever. I am staying on a Marine base so there are a lot of families here and men (I love men). Any way I love to talk to people and find out about them as individuals. I was talking to folks about their lives, travels, family and things that they hold dear to them. I have found that humans all have the nature to self protect or "make the best" out of whatever situation. Only a few couoples declared great love for one another... most spoke of the "best option" and things not being "that bad" or "could be worse". I began thinking... what is better? being single, a single parent or person or having someone to be better off financially and not to be lonely. I was talking to a woman and telling her that she was so blessed to have such a great husband, he helped with the kids, cooked, doted on her, didn't look at other women, very nice looking. She was not really happy with him, she complained about small things- the food was weird, the baby was screaming too much etc... she frowned a lot and made comments that cut him down. She is not happy but will not leave. While sitting on the beach I was thinking about my loneliness, I have male "prospects" but I can't allow them to get too close.. I have a lot to get together for myself before a committed relationship can be on the horizon. But I am lonely, I want a man to wake up to, to cook and clean for, to hold, rub, make love to, argue with, have make up sex with, to do things with my children, be there for when he is in need, to thank for taking out the trash, to struglle with, to scratch his head... and the list goes on. I feel better with one man (guess thats why I stay in relationships). But for the first time in my life I am working on my progression because I deserve to have a husband that loves me and he will deserve to have me love him. So I realized sitting there with tears running down my cheeks that it may be a while but I will have what I want and need. I will not settle. I do not feel that I am the nagging type and I honestly feel that men need to have their ego attended to and get upset when I see women take for granted what they have. So to never be that woman I must not take what is in front of me just because it is the one there the longest... not this time. And not even me being "in love with him" will cause me to deal with anything that is beneath me. I'll continue to solo trips, nights alone and distant dates where nothing will progress until I am ready because I know that I will get all that I deserve and want! Love all..........

Missing him

Ok I miss him so much lately. We did not have a good relationship and out of the 10 years there isn't much for me to celebrate but he has something I just haven't found else where. Since I was 17 he was like a star in my world. Really... I always just wanted his touch, not even just sexually but he comforted me sooo much. But he hurt me too with that touch- catch 22 huh? Anyway all of my children are with this man and he is not even my husband but God knows I treated him that way. I did everything I felt  a wife should for him. I know there were mistakes that I made but I kept all the fundamental values in tack. I never cheated and even worse never really wanted to.  Anyway, I was describing the perfect man to me to a friend and she said "you know who you just described don't you".... ughh yes. So is it becuase I spent so long with him? I virtually grew up with this man from the age of 17 so maybe that is it... he is just the model of man I have had. He treated me so bad at times I could never put into words the hurt I still feel from it... yet I still miss him. I know all of the things I want from my next man and it is hard for me to believe that he is out there. I mean plus I have 3 children coming in. How difficult is that? I know it is possible I will just wait. I pray that he gets himself together and is able to all that his heart desires and really I want clarity for myself.
Life can be soooo difficult

#DontJudgeMe

So I honestly want to know how men think they can be so picky. I mean when I look at how most men look, dress, don't have much, conduct themselves etc... I wonder if they are serious about how they are critiquing women all of the time. This is coming from convos I have been having with many different people and how I have been observing peoples actions in different environments. For example one night at the club I was standing by the stage with about 7 different dudes. There was a dress contest going on at the time where the women were walking around, dancing and such in their little black dresses. Well one of the guys I was standing with was no prize. As a matter of fact I would be surprised if he ever was able to pull ANYONE in the club. So he is going through the girls.. she is too skinny, she is too fat, so and so forth. Anyway I do understand that women tend to put themselves on display more than men but there is a point that you have to be honest with yourself and undersand that maybe you shouldn't judge people so much yourself. Maybe just maybe you should take a step back and try to understand that YOU may not be the best thing either and may just need to pump your brakes... #ImJustSaying

Youth

Ok so again I am recently single after 10 years in a relationship with a man that I loved very unconditionally. Well now that I am on the dating scene I am approached by many men. As a matter of fact a young man that was trying to "talk" to me after a recent event was saying that everytime he sees me out I have a flock of men around me like vultures. And as he was trying to talk to me one swooped in in front of him and he didn't know what to do. The dude that swooped was 22 years old..smh. I am a year from 30, what can I do with a 22 year old I am thinkng. But as I analyze this I realize that most of the men that come hard are young. Men do follow me out of clubs and bars almost everytime I go, no matter the city I am in but the older men tend to give up, they give the impression that it isn't worth the effort but the young men are trying hard. I have found myself dealing with younger and younger men. 24 is the limit that I have given myself right now but I want to tell a story about a young man in Charlotte at Wet Willies one time. There were about 4 or 5 dudes trying to talk to me while my folks and I were at our table. Several of them would leave but come back and talk. Well I go to the bathroom and when exiting a man stops me and we are speaking. He wass very atractive, short stocky, dark...good looking. I am talkng to him, he was 28, he worked for some firm he said well no sooner than we are exchanging this information  one of the young men from earlier walks in front of him, I say I was speaking to him and he looked at him and said "now your speaking to me". Dude walked away! I could have liked him. So of course I was interested in this man that was so interested in me that he didn't let anyone else swoop in. He had good convo, witty and sexy..... I liked it.... now for the ?  always asked "How old are you" -20. HUH? The only man in here that really stepped to me is 20? NO way! Of course I couldn't give him my number but I wanted to. I was so dumbfounded and the question I feel I need to ask is- Where are you grown men? I feel that I am a beautiful, self reliant, capable and very good woman. I am a catch but the only men that are really coming hard enough to be noticed are "lil boys". Don't do me like that! I can't imagine getting serious with a lil guy that I have to teach things to.. I mean I ave 3 kids.. what can he teach them? I need some answers please help. And ladies yes I know about the sex.... next blog ;o)