Thursday, October 28, 2010

Who knows?

I am a mother of 3, age 29,student, full time employee and single.
I do not mind being single and really enjoy it actually. I have not ever really been single and staying single is a bit of a struggle even. There are so many men in this world and not only that there are so many experiences that I feel I need to have. But of course I want someone. I do not need anyone as far as finances,comfort,etc... are concerned its just I want that one person that I can't wait to see. Can't wait to listen to, be around, cook for, hold,assist,travel with, make love to,raise my children with and yes possibly even have kids with. But is that even possible? I know that there are men out there that may be able to deal with me and my life with my children,but it is very difficult to see how. I can't even share the experience of raising my kids with their father because he is incarcerated until 2014 so it is me, and thank God; my mother I am able to maintain a life and stability. I date,travel and club. All of that is separate. The men I may date have no dealings with my kids, I do not even like to share their names with them. So when men talk about wanting me and trying to be part of my life I can't even listen, I mean they do not know all of me. They don't see me with my head a mess , breath stinking,crying,sad,angry, really nothing outside of the "dating" light so of course that is not something that I can accept. I was asked how are they suppose to show me if I don't let them but I had to let em know that there is so much more at stack than just my feelings. Its my children also, so I can not throw caution to the wind. I have to consider so many factors.
This was prompted by a situation I had with my oldest daughter. She is so much like myself and her father she is impossible sometime. I have had to bust her butt a couple of times lately and she breaks my heart. I came to my room crying and wanted to talk to someone about it. Wanted to just share it and the person I thought about I realized doesn't even have kids, he probably wouldn't even listen, as a matter of fact I know he wouldn't be interested. And yes I am sure there is someone that wants to listen and cares but how long would it be until it got old to him? I mean cmon who wants to listen to that mess all of the time? It will always happen and many of the things will have no solution and be frustrating at best. I am equipped and prepared to do it alone and know that I will probably have to for a while but that fact doesn't stop me from wondering, from wanting, from yearning, from fantasizing. I love my life and experiences right now, I am fulfilled and content I love myself and my children so I feel good. But there is always room from improvement, for progress and exceptions to the rules.
I mean.....who knows maybe I read this next year and smirk at my pessimistic views laying next to the man who has shown me that my daunting anguish was illogical. Or maybe I find that I can't handle it, I can't see it happening and no matter the deep feelings I have for a man I know in my heart that he can't deal with it, with me, with my package.
who know...........................

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