Monday, May 31, 2010

Unity just might work

I have been talking a lot to many different females lately. I find that especially in a small town women tend to not really unite the way that we can or maybe even should. Now I am not really one to talk since I have WAY more male friends than female ones but whenever I associate with a female I want to uplift them. I want them to be happy and I would Never even talk to a dude that they fool with in any way because that just isn't cool. But I've noticed that not many women really care like that. Not only that they tend to intentionally harm one another or try to break each other down in order to gain attention from a man.
 Now I try to play the background in huge social situations and just associate with a few people because I am not into the showiness of it all. I like to interact with people I know but I guess it is more the intention behind the interactions that is the problem. It saddens me to see women get loud, walk around constantly and cut one another down just for men to notice them or somehow improve their own self image or worth. Then they talk about each other when they find out they are messing around with the same man as if somehow it is the woman's fault. Even if she is a ho there is probably no telling what he is saying to her as well as you. AND if we stay with him why even get angry at all? I have towed that line and knowing that it is not anyone Else's fault but my own for selling myself short stopped me from even feeling animosity towards a chick. I have seen so many times women loosing self worth over a man, refusing to talk to other females on assumptions of what she is doing or saying rather than what they know about her. When we do that we miss out. That is not to say that we should pull up a chair and have dinner with a chick our man has been with or that has betrayed us but that we unite. Agree to disagree if you will and see that we sometimes make the bed that we lie in and there is no problem with understanding that we need one another. We need to be able to share one-another experiences, thoughts and love. Knowing that God gives us all the ability to impart treasures upon others. I love so many different people for so many different reasons, they add to me in ways that I may never be able to explain but they do so richly that I know that the gift is priceless. so ladies lets move forward in a unity that states that we don't have to even like one another but if we share a love for our worth then we can remove much of the hurt that we allow ourselves to experience just by uniting.

Phenomenal Woman excerpt- this is what we are!!......
Now you understand
Just why my head's not bowed.
I don't shout or jump about
Or have to talk real loud.
When you see me passing
It ought to make you proud.
I say,
It's in the click of my heels,
The bend of my hair,
the palm of my hand,
The need of my care,
'Cause I'm a woman
Phenomenal woman,
That's me.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

This Is 4 U...

If you were my body and we attained the perfect merge There'd be no ceasing to our  grinding we'd feel the shifting of the Earth
Each swell of our flesh and retention of sweet love juices
Would potentially cause the perfect inevitable love infusion
I lay upon my pillow with my legs spread agate
Awaiting your manly presence saturated with liquid fate
There are sensations dancing over softness of my flesh
So primal is this experience the final sip allows refresh
Lying trembling from breast to thighs
Reviewing the intensity of the waves from our tide
We are renewed beyond our words reaching out with love still hands
My anticipation subdued until we next weave our sensual strands

Monday, May 24, 2010

Street Dreamz

What does it mean 2 really make it? That question must plague us all at some point or another in our lives. Growing up in the projects one has 2 begin to wonder about that at an early age. What you consider to be success will quickly decide your next move and make it your best move (either for the moment or eternity). I obviously would like to address the dope game and the success that it holds and lacks. I spent the last 10 years of my life in a relationship with a "street nigga". I put it that way because the dope game is indicative of the idea of the streets. And there is a package that goes with the streetz that are not always recognized or recognized too late. For instance the statistic of a high number of black children growing up in a single parent home is derived from the dope game. I remember when I was 17 and fell in love with my children's father. I was not attracted to the money that he was getting and the little cars that he had. I was more attracted to the fact that he didn't pursue me in the same manner as many of the other men that were his counterparts. Unfortunately most of the men I came in contact with as a young girl in the projects were drug dealers. Therefore they were the ones that I was most often in contact with. We began a quiet relationship that transformed into the typical street relationship as the money came. Amidst my poor decision to stay despite the cheating, late nights and abusive treatment children came. So of course he ends up doing time and I am here with 3 children to raise. On my own 4 the next 5 years. Terrified and disappointed as I am unable to place the blame for my situation on anyone and must really see it for what it is... my poor choices. I am blessed enough to have always wanted more, I always worked and paid my bills. Being careful to never rely on him to provide so the financial part isn't that hard. The problem is when my children are asking for their father at night, when my son needs a man to toss a football with him, when my daughters say that they miss their dad and I can't offer them any help. I listen to the sincerity in his voice when he is talking about making up with his kids (and even me) for the things that he missed and intentionally did. And I wonder why it has to take this... why is it so typical of the "game" that the men act the same way towards their women, the women deal with it and the subsequent prison time results in the same things? I know that my intent is to raise my black son in a way that he knows that there are other options, that the mainstream music is a joke and that he is capable of anything. I want my girls to know that they deserve a man, that the flash of materialism is fleeting  and they are too important to even give themselves to a man without him first committing to them within a marriage. My life in saturated with the street life and I watch how the dream of the riches swallow up more and more black families, feeling helpless. I often play "Street Dreamz" by Nas in my head."Who am I to disagree... everybody is looking for something". So I feel that we all need to try to define the "something" we are looking for in order to help our generation and the ones to follow to change these horrible realities. I believe as a whole we all want more... so lets go get it.

Friday, May 21, 2010

What does it mean?

I have been reading "Black Boy" by Richard Wright and am coming across so many pertinent points. The most amazing thing to me at this  point is how there is a definitive role that the "black person" plays in the American society. As a matter of fact it is pointed out that the role is so significant that the resolution of the black mans "problems" disclude or lead to the disclude of more fundamental issues within the country itself. The line that got me pondering this was "It seemed to me, then, that if the Negro solved his problem, he would be solving infinitely more than is problem alone." This came on the heels of the exploration by Wright of the lives of the 1920's black society in America. He was so interested in trying to capture in his writing the entire "black experience" when he came to realize that the black experience is much greater than that. Cornell West addressed this issue when speaking about the "black agenda" (see Cornell states emphatically that the black agenda is the American agenda. He is pointing out the profound influence and range that black people tend to have as a culture.
Now I find this to be amazing, as only about 14% of the American population black people tend to seem to dominate so much. Mainstream music is "black", fashion is "black", the justice system in inundated with black people, the media all together... But there doesn't seem to be a recognition of the power that is held within the community itself. Many things that are associated with being black are negative despite having a black president with his amazing accomplishments, living in  a world where you can't go about your daily life without the use of an invention by a black person or the fact that there are major black contributors to prominent efforts and charities.
The question is posed- how do black people begin to tap into this strength that tends to be so inherent? How do we get the youth to see the potential that many work their entire lives to attain? We live in a society where the amount of young black men that are in prison is higher than those that were enslaved in 1850 and we do not seem to be trying to make a progressive effort to refute this occurance. To raise our children different, to not perpetuate such statistics within our own lives. Please do not get me wrong I too am guilty of this. Having my son and seeing his absolute similarities to his father scared me. I immediately began trying to map out a different plan for his life, new routes that he will be able to traverse.
I am not sure how to sum this up because there are so many elements to be touched upon.... therefore I will end by imploring us all to begin within ourselves... understand what the potential is of a man and infinite potential of a black man. I am in love with the black man, the idea of the black man and the power of a black man. I would love to be able to find one that too is in love with himself.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Is it possible?

I can stay on the phone with one of my male friends for hours talking about chicks, dudes, work, science, art, TV, and the list goes on. I go out with them more than any females I hang with and feel comfortable saying just about anything to them. One of my homeboys and I were talking and I asked him if he felt like we would ever have sex. I mean basically can we be "just friends"? He said "look Jan your a good woman, you have most of the qualities any man would want and if I thought I had any chance I would do it. But I am fine with us being cool". That got me thinking, would I "do" him? NO! I mean not in any drunk state that I could possibly be in. So I guess we are safe then. I really can't imagine not hanging with them. I had to go a long time without being in contact with many of my homeboys because my man wasn't comfortable with it but now that I am "Single Again" (Trina voice)  I can get back to the basics of rolling with whom I want. As a matter of fact one of my home boys friends said he was tripping one day because my boy and I are so much a like. I just connect with them. So the moral of the story is.... there can be friendship with the opposite sex. There may be attraction but there is that even in same sex friendships sometimes so there shouldn't be a problem.

Going Forth

I will share my story by exposing parts of my minds eye that are astute enough to be articulated. There will remain the things that words fail to capture so they are hence forth- TBA.....