Ok time for a rant real quick
Bare with me folks
So I am single now, only one year since I've been of age to date that Ive been single. So I have to be very cautious and really I want to be a bit selfish. I was with my last man for 11 years and gave him my all. I want to offer the next man Im with my all also so I need to take this time to heal and experience things. So when I get invovled with a man I wil let him know the things that I can offer and what Im not ready to offer. But it seems to fall on deaf ears sometimes or I am not communicating well enough or I show something different I do not know.
It seems that when I get close to someone enough to someone for me to start feeling them all of a sudden they seem to want way too much or do not want to pace with me. Or get scared or something. I want to take my time with my next relationship to get to know the person and not feel like Im jumping into something without taking time for me and how and what I need. Its like only a month or two and they want "more" and don't like the idea of me dating other men, talking to other men...etc. And NO its not he type of men I am dating because I do not have a "type" I just want a single man (no gf,baby mama they live with, divorcing, or still married men) and for him to have a job. I do not even care what kind of job. He doesn't really have to have a car even. I have dated and became close with me that need to work on some things and I get that. Point being I date all different men at different times in their life so I do not blame that. I just feel at a loss right now because I want a good man and a relationship but I just want them to wait, I do not know why things have to be rushed and pushed so far. I want to take things slower and if it works out then good.... ohhh well I told you I was gonna rant... UGHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Sunday, December 12, 2010
So I have been reading a lot on twitter about how the females that participate in #TwitterAfterDark are just looking for attention and aren't getting any. I was just wondering if it was really true so I did some introspection in order to know if that is my intentions. Becuase I love #TwitterAfterDark and do it sometimes in the middle of the day.. lol. Anyway I came up with no Im not. I mean in all honesty I get plenty of attention, even when I do not want it. And as far is sex is concerned if Im not engaging in it for any reason it is becuase I do not want to at the time not because I can't. I am not saying this out of conceit, its really what I truly reflected on. The thing is I like sex. I like talking about it, writing about it, doing it, reading about it, watching it... Its a very primal expression of ones self. No I do not have a "man" right now so I engage in these things. When I get an official man I will not and not even because Im getting it as it will be because I will not disrespect my man in that manner. I got into a twitter convo about what true expression is and what forum is appropriate for what. I use twitter for my more #TwitterAfterDark expressions mostly more becuase it is an appropriate forum and I get it out and move on. So really what Im saying is just because people express all of them (and sex is a huge part of them) doesn't mean they are attention seeking. I know there are times when they are. Ive been around the people that who brag about sexual things, try to get a lot of attention through sexual exploits or the conversation about them. But things are not always that complex. Sometimes you just like to talk about the things you enjoy, think about the things you have done and fantasize about the things you want to or will soon do. I have had my tweets judged and been told that it makes me look bad to engage in such conversations and honestly it just may. But also I really do not care, they are my thoughts, I am not a one dimensional person and can engage in any conversation be it intellectual or sexual. I am learning that not everyone is as... well lets say "open" with their sexual desires as I am but just because they are not doesn't mean I have to sensor myself. I like it and I will continue #ImJustSaying...
Friday, December 3, 2010
So I call she to find out when to visit the bestie and the baby. I get an obscure answer that she and the baby isn't in the room or available. So this is the woman that was there with me through all of my births, went to Dr. appointments, helped me through any and all issues that Ive had in my life in the past 18 years. When my childrens father wasn't there she was and he wasn't there A LOT. So needless to say I jumped out of bed, ran out of the house and up to the hospital. I didnt know what was wrong or if anything was wrong at all but this is my sis. I love her and if anything ever happened to her or any of the kids I would die! So Im speeding, running lights, etc...... I run through the hospital and up the steps and am panicing. I am not the type of person that gets panicked easily but I just didnt' know what was going on with the people that mean so much to me in my life. I find out all is well and go to see her and my heart returns to a regular rate and I look at her. I realize I need her in my life. Not to just be there for me, I need to be there for her. She is a half of me I can't go without. I met her when I was 11 yrs old in 6th grade at a time in my life when I was not feeling like anyone understood me. We shared a connection and she was so non judgemental. I am part of her family and she mine. People constantly talk about how our friendship is so amazing and admirable. I agree.... today I pictured my life without her and my heart stopped. I lost motivation and I was so sad to think anything would happen to this woman. I am sitting in her hospital room thanking God that I am so blessed. I have a friend, I can call her a friend and know that she will always be a friend to me even when I do not deserve a friend at all. Thank You Misty G for being you and allowing me to be me! I love you, you are an example to me of how I should and can be as a woman! I am blessed....