Thursday, October 28, 2010

Who knows?

I am a mother of 3, age 29,student, full time employee and single.
I do not mind being single and really enjoy it actually. I have not ever really been single and staying single is a bit of a struggle even. There are so many men in this world and not only that there are so many experiences that I feel I need to have. But of course I want someone. I do not need anyone as far as finances,comfort,etc... are concerned its just I want that one person that I can't wait to see. Can't wait to listen to, be around, cook for, hold,assist,travel with, make love to,raise my children with and yes possibly even have kids with. But is that even possible? I know that there are men out there that may be able to deal with me and my life with my children,but it is very difficult to see how. I can't even share the experience of raising my kids with their father because he is incarcerated until 2014 so it is me, and thank God; my mother I am able to maintain a life and stability. I date,travel and club. All of that is separate. The men I may date have no dealings with my kids, I do not even like to share their names with them. So when men talk about wanting me and trying to be part of my life I can't even listen, I mean they do not know all of me. They don't see me with my head a mess , breath stinking,crying,sad,angry, really nothing outside of the "dating" light so of course that is not something that I can accept. I was asked how are they suppose to show me if I don't let them but I had to let em know that there is so much more at stack than just my feelings. Its my children also, so I can not throw caution to the wind. I have to consider so many factors.
This was prompted by a situation I had with my oldest daughter. She is so much like myself and her father she is impossible sometime. I have had to bust her butt a couple of times lately and she breaks my heart. I came to my room crying and wanted to talk to someone about it. Wanted to just share it and the person I thought about I realized doesn't even have kids, he probably wouldn't even listen, as a matter of fact I know he wouldn't be interested. And yes I am sure there is someone that wants to listen and cares but how long would it be until it got old to him? I mean cmon who wants to listen to that mess all of the time? It will always happen and many of the things will have no solution and be frustrating at best. I am equipped and prepared to do it alone and know that I will probably have to for a while but that fact doesn't stop me from wondering, from wanting, from yearning, from fantasizing. I love my life and experiences right now, I am fulfilled and content I love myself and my children so I feel good. But there is always room from improvement, for progress and exceptions to the rules.
I mean.....who knows maybe I read this next year and smirk at my pessimistic views laying next to the man who has shown me that my daunting anguish was illogical. Or maybe I find that I can't handle it, I can't see it happening and no matter the deep feelings I have for a man I know in my heart that he can't deal with it, with me, with my package.
who know...........................

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

What are we without it?

So do all men and women deserve respect?

I am a bit undecided about this one...... I mean I love men, I think they all are amazing and have at the very least the potential to be, do and achieve great things.

But we all know how they are perceived now a days, how they tend to act (I am speaking generally) and even though I am speaking generally the fact of the matter is the bulk of men that women tend to encounter;either by chance or bad "searching skills". I mean if you're in the bar,club or another woman's house looking for your man then you will get what that environment has to offer. But no matter how you come in contact with the man that has hurt you beyond words it is hard to open up and trust another. They all seem pretty hopeless sometime, dawgs,liars,schemers,cheaters,abusers.... and the list goes on.
 But no matter what I love men! Because for all of the wrong that men may do they do sooooo much right. They comfort us when the world seems to be too much to bear, they protect us when we feel there is no one there to help, they are our companions, supporters,lovers,captivating help meet. They are what we can't be.

So yes they deserve respect. That is my assertion.

Now women.... I am one so a bit biased but lets be honest, we play ourselves a lot.
We try to prove so much that we can do all that men do so we often cut men off by being overly independent, we nag, we try to have sex like men many times not considering our own worth, we take nude pictures for men who do not care to know our name, strip in clubs, have sex in videos, fight in clubs,curse on social network,have sex with each others man,defy friendships for a mans touch, nag for hardly no reason, down grade ourselves and one another then live lonely when we realize there is not much else left.

But come on now, a woman- a woman supports her man through hurt, loss and poverty, she cooks, cleans, bears kids, makes love, she is able to make the money, go to school, dry her and your tears, love fully and unconditionally,bandage the cuts,kiss the bruises,lets you know you are a man, and if need be do it all in you absence.
Sometimes I myself and amazed at the things we can endure just as I am enduring them I am stunned that I can stay yes we deserve respect, all of the time!

There is so much we all do wrong and so many ways we should improve. In no way could any of us reach our full potential without one another. We need one another, males need females (no matter your sexual orientation) so out of this all we need to give what is deserved and not necessarily what individual actions ask of you. We all deserve respect, once we have established it within ourselves it is nothing to give to others.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Mit Mit

What does it mean to have a friendship? I have had relationships with people that I consider my "people" but I have only had 2 females that I consider friends and really only one that I could say has been there for me even when I haven't deserved it. She and I have been friends for 18 years and she is such a supportive person, she is just amazing. Our birthdays are 3 days apart and we perceive things in much the same light. I do not have to explain my "extra-ness" to her. She just gets me and she is honest with me, she would never approach my man in any way and she loves me. I love her too, she is my sister. Any way I have been observing how few women have that kind of relationship. We are very blessed to have one another. I know that she values me as well. So of course me being me I wrote a poem for her.

If I am to have a soul mate then she is my best friend
When I met her she understood me when not many people can say they can
There are situations in our life that I doubt we will forget
Meeting Mit at Asheville middle is the one for me, I bet
Thinking of this crazy girl and how we laugh for hours
We've cried together for no reason and had fish fries through our trials
School woes,driving tests,man problems and child birth we did together
I was crying and asking for her when I gave birth to my first daughter
I smile when I think about how she cut Myrakles cord
We have such a connection I heard her thoughts without her words
She sees the beauty in my craziness and always tells me the truth
I often wonder how I'm so blessed to share such a connection from youth
We don't even see each others boyfriends or step out of line with them
If we see or hear of them doing something with us they must contend
There were times in my life when things just seemed too much to bear
Id call up my girl Mit and end the call laughing til tears
There are only a few people in this world that can hold their own
She is one of them and I am always impressed by the courage that she has shown
When there were troubles on the home front I would call up my guiding light
She has always been there for me without judgement and gives me good insight
She is my sister and my soul mate and we will sure grow old still talking junk
We will raise our kids and make our mistakes until in the ground we are to be sunk
She is so complex that not many people understand her
But I can understand her thoughts and can tell her as they occur
We can look and snicker at a joke that neither of us have said
Its like we have a secret club with a manual that only we read
I have to say again I cherish my Mit dearly
I see her always with me laughing and joking so clearly
I pray that everyone I encounter will find such a friend as Mit
I thank her now and forever for being the person I'm at ease with.
Luh ya my Mit Mit........

I like it too

I hear a lot of good and endearing things from men. I really do love men as a species. Yes species. They are so amazing as creatures. So complex and beautiful. I remember as a child growing up with majority boys I used to want to be one. I mean things seemed easier for them. They got to pee standing up without even needing tissue (I may have tried it several times), they were tough, people didn't seem to expect them not to get hurt or scarred up or even say things like "you are way too pretty to be climbing trees like a lil boy". It just seemed to be the life. Then when I got older and began having sex that seemed way more simple too. It seemed that they could freely have sex with women, not care about them get the sexual pleasure they desired from them and cleanly move on. As a matter of fact the more sexual conquest the better. But not we need to be ladies, we have so many rules. Now just to clarify I believe that women hold an extra responsibility to be aware of ourselves. To understand what it means to be a lady and to be a support. Like a back bone, I always look at it like the man as the head and the woman is the back bone, the body is a mutual thing but mostly it is control by the brain (the head). Women are natural supporters therefore we cannot just give away all that we are and spread it too thin because the burden could become too much. Anyway, I think that the idea that a woman is unable or unwilling to have unattached sexual relationships is not accurate. I mean just on a biological level it makes sense that we would want a mate for the rearing of the children but studies show that women begin to feel that the male presence is obsolete for the most part after the children turn four. My point is we like sex, can have it freely with some people without being this emotionally attached ball of stress. But I think that as a whole we all need to be careful with our use of sex too freely. I am a very sexual creature, I like it A LOT and have been told that I am a "nymphomaniac" on more than one occasion. So I want to know the balance. I personally feel that if you are single (meaning not in a relationship where the two of you have made an agreement to be with one another and no one else) you should be able to explore any options that are pertinent to you as an individual, be that sexual or platonic.
I am prompted to discuss this issue due to the fact that I am recently single after 10 years of being with someone that I was very faithful to. I would have never stepped outside of our relationship and didn't do things such as club, run around with my male friends or put myself in situations that may entice individuals of the opposite sex. Now that I am single it seems that people tend to form all kinds of opinions about what I should or should not do. Mainly people who know me (even though the relationships aren't genuine for a variety of reasons). Speaking with my children's father seems to put things into perspective for me as far as how males look at females. Our relationship is developing a good flow therefore we speak more candidly with one another. He began telling me that men only want one thing and will do anything to get it. I replied that maybe I want only one thing and since I do not have to go through so much to get it I feel open enough to make those decisions for myself. I just really feel that I can decide to have a young fervent lover for just that reason, he is young and able to be.....well ;-). But maybe I want an older more experienced lover, one who is able to bring the years of fortitude to me when we are engaged in our actions. No matter my choices I feel my obligation is to always be honest with myself and my partners and be able to accept when something has just "run its course."
SN: I do have feelings and have gotten them caught up in the mix of this mess but that seems to be common with both males and females so that doesn't isolate females as the ones that can't handle the encounters.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

I want you!

Tell me how you want it and I'll give it how you need it.
When the time comes for it all you wont have the room to receive it.
Your thoughts will be all mine and your body will not be yours
My touch will be your desire n my tongue what you look for
I can work my hips with thrusts that will surely seem unreal
I will work to stroke you fully and all of me you will feel
Ill taste you will want to taste me back
You can pull my hair and behind me you can smack
If you dream it we can do it and will explore all that you have
I want to wrap myself around you as we share our halves
Tell me when youre ready and I'll show that I'm primed
I'll meet you where you want and we can make a scene outside
I would like to ride you slow and have push yourself real deep
Move in ways I've never felt, come put your girl to sleep


I want to feel your secrets as your fingers carress my skin

I need to know your past and present and all that is within

I dream of special times and others that are yet to come

I even want to remember the mistakes we leave undone

You create in me a feeling so far I thought was lost

You show me things I need to see without the emotional cost

You make want to breath you in and and taste what is your essence

You cause me 2 need to have you near and leave the desire fo your presence

We need to know each other in ways we have yet to discover

We can within this union way more thn simply being lovers

We have the power to create what needs to be expressed

We love this now and will for always we dive head first into this test


Wednesday, October 6, 2010

He's Gone

We all know the drill
he gets locked up and she breaks loose
Life's lessons taught so real
she learned too many, she just called it truce
10 years she loved him strong
10 years her love he denied
She fought with fist and will alone
He struck her down far too many times
His support she longed to be
his perfection is what she aspired
To gaze and see her true beauty
is all she asked for him to provide
Other women he always kept
yet she laid  with him no less
Self doubt and hurt and it was set
the pain pierced deep inside her chest
Raising a child that's not her own
because of the love for him that she attained
A love so unconditional and strong
he never wanted it- that caused her pain
So much abuse and she sat still
waiting as the moments passed by
Her soul almost crushed- no time to heal
for a healing the pain was sure to deny
She always blamed herself for staying
and watches her kids as they grew steady
Loving them- for better days praying
but leaving was the only remedy-this she knew
But breaking free seemed so impossible
letting go was much too hard
The thought of what was ohh so sensible
cut like the glass of broken shards
She felt destroyed, unloved, not needed
fought a battle of non-sense in claim
Through it all she kept her dreams
and refused to bow in shame
So when he left alone she lay
in the bed where they made love
Thinking o the words he'd say
so little of them filled with love
She cried so long and felt so lost
unaware of what to do
He was her life the one she sought
somehow someway he was her glue
but she woke up day by day
and went about her every task
Back down in the bed she'd lay
as she did along so many times in the past
She pictured life when he's return
fantasized that it would all change
"Damn girl no lesson learned?"
spoke that voice that sounded so strange
"This is your life and you have so much to give
here you are expecting that what was never true
How many days of hurt and years of pain did you live?
are you seriously debating if he'd be good to you?
You gave it all you had and there isn't much left
It is time that you looked out for yourself"
She thought-but how selfish a request
to put him up upon a shelf
Her argument made her laugh
cause she gave him 10 years to love her back
Even if he does improve and show her love just as she asked
could she claim to release the past, not keeping track?
She got up from the bed and moved to the mirror
 she wiped her tears and pushed her hair aside
She spoke the words aloud and let them flow just like a river
"No more of the hurt consider how much he lied
you have to are for you or no one else will ever no how.
Its time to move on- do what you have to do
you can seek what happiness is to you now."
With that she didn't get any sleep
at all that entire night
Pillow soaked eyes with streaks
the morning came cold and bright
So she let him while he was gone
you pass judgement if you'd like
But inside she knows she's wrong
she knows next time she will do it right.............

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

For you I will be

He says Im too much woman  
     But what the fuck does that mean?
Am I to be a threat to you 
     when I am showing you what I woman can be?
I will stand up for my man
     and be support to the children I bear.
I'll love you for the man you are
     and support you as you're on your journey there.
I can bear the weight of the world
     it seems at times thats what Im doing
I will tell you if Im unsure
     and support the goals you are pursuing
I'll pay the bills and clean the house
    and show you you're the man in our bedroom
I will work to stay looking nice
    a soft body for your attention to swoon.
I will rub your back and kiss your face
   and lick the places that taste so nice
It's my desire to please you 
   and support my home at any price
I would like a strong male to help 
   but can do it all without a man
I will do my best to allow you to
   and let you know I want you even though "I can"
Even if you think I am too much
   and to be with me is too large a challenge
I'm unable to do less than all I've always done
   even if my will to you seems strange
Miya Angelou spoke of being a woman
   and doing it phenomenally
I take that all to heart
   and will be the best woman I can be
I understand that it can be scary
   and there is no way to know what's next
Let me assure you this;
   I am "woman" and can stand the test.
But if I choose you as my man
   I'll concede to let you show me you can be the man for me
I will expect your best and you all
   that I have and hope you re ready to receive
So if you are willing
   or in the least bit ready to try
I want us to do this for real
   and not wait for time to pass us by.


Ecstasies Art

I enjoy being your plaything and rather like you being my toy,
We can do the things we like and each others bodies we can explore.
You can kiss me there and I would love to lick you too,
Wrapping myself up in your touch engrossed in all that you do.
Your essence is riveting and your aroma, it does entice,
I like to taste you by the drop and love it cause you fill my body so nice.
There isn't a desire to be fulfilled that my will is not ready to oblige
So lets start what we can't finish
and become captivated by our love montage