Ode to 010

Beginning of 010 my boy said "lets get it in"

And boy did I do just that I left all caution to the wind
I spoke to people I would have not and did the things I said I wouldn't
Took some trips I long forgot and linked with people that I shouldn't
I traveled places I always wanted and met some folks I wont forget
I smile at the memories not ill gotten and laugh at text messages that were sent
A few regrets I admit I own but much more triumphs Id say I have
From the past year that I let loose and frankly didn't give a damn
I muse over nights long spent with laughter with the ones that I hold dear
And days on beaches with just one that held me close and left no fear
Trips taken without plan or much forethought and often set upon alone
Drinks held high in cities I dreampt of and the pictures Ive never shown
My tears of confusion and feelings of slight that I worked to let go of
Encountering people with ill will and might that I care not to mention of
So many discoveries of self I've made and none of which I care to trade
I smile with moments of mistakes for the lessons that I have braved
I know more of who hold me dear and ones that never really did
Recall the stories that I would hear of the ones that thought they knew just how I lived
Planted seeds to watch them grow knowing all along the guise
Listened to the rumors grow and giggled at how their so unwise
I took note of times of need when no one was there to be found
And others when there should be greed and still we fell off in the crowd
Im so amused as I write this at how my year it did turn out
For through it all I do know this I would have taken no other route
See the point of life is this- not to live it for what others think
To make mistakes just for yourself for someone always waits for your ship to sink
And people will always point and stare and make remarks based on their truth
And convince themselves somehow that they are above the same reproof
I pay homage to 2010 the year I set upon just for myself
I have gained so much this year I am astonished at my wealth
I stepped into this new year knowing that I am perfectly me
And happy to say firm and true I dont' care who disagrees
With the choices that I've made or the ones I still have yet
For I have learned to acclimate myself in times I may regret
I could write a nice long book just based on this year alone
Some people would judge its nooks but who are they to call it wrong
So farewell to my dear year the one that opened up its doors
To me and all my lessons clear and made way for so much more
And hello still to this new year with more adventures that I will not tell
The ones I'll share with some and others alone into I'll sail
2010 I said #DontJudgeMe but this year who gives a damn
For the only real judge knows me for who and what I really am!

TAKING TIME

Ok time for a rant real quick
Bare with me folks
So I am single now, only one year since I've been of age to date that Ive been single. So I have to be very cautious and really I want to be a bit selfish. I was with my last man for 11 years and gave him my all. I want to offer the next man Im with my all also so I need to take this time to heal and experience things. So when I get invovled with a man I wil let him know the things that I can offer and what Im not ready to offer. But it seems to fall on deaf ears sometimes or I am not communicating well enough or I show something different I do not know.
It seems that when I get close to someone enough to someone for me to start feeling them all of a sudden they seem to want way too much or do not want to pace with me. Or get scared or something. I want to take my time with my next relationship to get to know the person and not feel like Im jumping into something without taking time for me and how and what I need. Its like only a month or two and they want "more" and don't like the idea of me dating other men, talking to other men...etc. And NO its not he type of men I am dating because I do not have a "type" I just want a single man (no gf,baby mama they live with, divorcing, or still married men) and for him to have a job. I do not even care what kind of job. He doesn't really have to have a car even. I have dated and became close with me that need to work on some things and I get that. Point being I date all different men at different times in their life so I do not blame that. I just feel at a loss right now because I want a good man and a relationship but I just want them to wait, I do not know why things have to be rushed and pushed so far. I want to take things slower and if it works out then good.... ohhh well I told you I was gonna rant... UGHHHHHHHHHHHHH

TwitterAfterDark

So I have been reading a lot on twitter about how the females that participate in #TwitterAfterDark are just looking for attention and aren't getting any. I was just wondering if it was really true so I did some introspection in order to know if that is my intentions. Becuase I love #TwitterAfterDark and do it sometimes in the middle of the day.. lol. Anyway I came up with no Im not. I mean in all honesty I get plenty of attention, even when I do not want it. And as far is sex is concerned if Im not engaging in it for any reason it is becuase I do not want to at the time not because I can't. I am not saying this out of conceit, its really what I truly reflected on. The thing is I like sex. I like talking about it, writing about it, doing it, reading about it, watching it... Its a very primal expression of ones self. No I do not have a "man" right now so I engage in these things. When I get an official man I will not and not even because Im getting it as it will be because I will not disrespect my man in that manner. I got into a twitter convo about what true expression is and what forum is appropriate for what. I use twitter for my more #TwitterAfterDark expressions mostly more becuase it is an appropriate forum and I get it out and move on. So really what Im saying is just because people express all of them (and sex is a huge part of them) doesn't mean they are attention seeking. I know there are times when they are. Ive been around the people that who brag about sexual things, try to get a lot of attention through sexual exploits or the conversation about them. But things are not always that complex. Sometimes you just like to talk about the things you enjoy, think about the things you have done and fantasize about the things you want to or will soon do. I have had my tweets judged and been told that it makes me look bad to engage in such conversations and honestly it just may. But also I really do not care, they are my thoughts, I am not a one dimensional person and can engage in any conversation be it intellectual or sexual. I am learning that not everyone is as... well lets say "open" with their sexual desires as I am but just because they are not doesn't mean I have to sensor myself. I like it and I will continue #ImJustSaying...

Misty

So I call she to find out when to visit the bestie and the baby. I get an obscure answer that she and the baby isn't in the room or available. So this is the woman that was there with me through all of my births, went to Dr. appointments, helped me through any and all issues that Ive had in my life in the past 18 years. When my childrens father wasn't there she was and he wasn't there A LOT. So needless to say I jumped out of bed, ran out of the house and up to the hospital. I didnt know what was wrong or if anything was wrong at all but this is my sis. I love her and if anything ever happened to her or any of the kids I would die! So Im speeding, running lights, etc......  I run through the hospital and up the steps and am panicing. I  am not the type of person that gets panicked easily but I just didnt' know what was going on with the people that mean so much to me in my life. I find out all is well and go to see her and my heart returns to a regular rate and I look at her. I realize I need her in my life. Not to just be there for me, I need to be there for her. She is a half of me I can't go without. I met her when I was 11 yrs old in 6th grade at a time in my life when I was not feeling like anyone understood me. We shared a connection and she was so non judgemental. I am part of her family and she mine. People constantly talk about how our friendship is so amazing and admirable. I agree.... today I pictured my life without her and my heart stopped. I lost motivation and I was so sad to think anything would happen to this woman. I am sitting in her hospital room thanking God that I am so blessed. I have a friend, I can call her a friend and know that she will always be a friend to me even  when I do not deserve a friend at all. Thank You Misty G for being you and allowing me to be me! I love you, you are an example to me of how I should and can be as a woman! I am blessed....

Masks

Ive been watching these masks
off then on
on then off
What is it that we see from behind screens?
Destortion is real
So much we fail to know
So I watch these masks
from behind my screen
I can't see much and there isn't many that see me
I mean they say they do but come on man....
Shh whats up with these masks?
Aight ol girl said she is confident
"Oh hunny I got this!"
but you step on others, manipulate and lie
Hate on others and not really know why
An ol boy say he handling bizzness
"Come on nigga you know I got bitches!
and money and respect man Fuck these snitches"
but you dont' know your kids or pay your house bills
can't stand up straight cause the lies got you bent
Damn man whats up with these masks?
I mean we all get hurt so we pull our head back and adjust
Adjust the newest mask
the "I Don't Give A Fuck Mask"
"Ahh these niggas aint shit watch how I treat em" mask
"I wont let em get close and use more than most,
oh theyll remember me" mask
When the heart gets touched by the one that hurts so much
the mask is stained from inside out, tainted and smeered
you trying to claw your way out
Shhh man fuck these masks
I sat today molding a mask for myself
A mask that could lead me and guide me through my past
I sat today rolling a blunt and nestled inside my cloud
I sat today sipping my drink and lay out under the warmth
I stood today popped my pill and danced the night away
I lay today fucking and fucking until my mind went numb
I lay today lying and screaming inside fantisizing about that Big shit
You know that plan I got.....
"Imma get to it, tomorrow, next year oh yeah next year"
I played myself through my mask
I knew I played myself but it was behind my mask
thats why it didnt' count
Ive been watching these masks metamorphosize
Ive been seeing my own mask from behind my eyes
So today I mold my mask, shape it just like I like
Take a sip,swallow a pill,smoke a blunt and fuck my way....
I stand over myself in reflection, look up
And break my mask........
Now
Its just me
Me with no mask......

What Really Matters

I am almost in awe over how much I do not know
How much I thought I did and how much more you have shown
I could never have imagined someone lending to my life
Whose age is so young but intellect so bright
When I reflect upon the man that in you Im coming to see
I realize there is no way to know all of the possibilities
Its hard for me to overcome the thoughts that this could not be right
How is ther a man inside when your age just doesn't seem ripe?
There are not many people in the world that just connect
And there aren't many times that I can say "its him I can't forget"
So I have decided to enjoy each moment I have in time
And if you are there then; well that will be just fine.

ill is he

What does it take to call a man Ill?
Can he be bent or does he have an unbroken will?
So this is the question I've asked myself when writing down these words
Cause we all want us an "ill" man that maybe could even navigate our curves.
But I'll ask it one more time, how is this "ill" man measured?
How do we walk past his being and know he has more than we've known ever?
And how "ill" has to be the lady that can capture his attention
How amazing must she be that to her he may just listen?
When can you call a man "ill" what ways can he yet show it?
Does he care for the ones he loves and strive to make his world fit?
Does he stand with back sometimes bent and knees that may just buckle?
Does he watch his kids grow and allow himself to fight with more than just his knuckles?
Is there a time that he takes to intellectually grow and forth move?
Or even take the time to think before he responds as would a brood?
To me a man is "ill" when he has resigned himself to be all man
when he cares for the ones he loves and carries his family as the footsteps in the sand
If he can hold the burdens set upon his shoulders from the world.
When he can make you feel secure within the arms that God created
At the times that when all seems lost he steps out as a warrior fighting
He relinguishes his all just when you need to have it
And finds his will not far from the that of logic even when its hiding
If you hold that title-"ill" know there is responsiblity to be had
Stand strong and full with pride for an"ill" man is amazingly clad!